On Monday morning I had another mediation session, this time I did my part over the phone.
When I was first called, the mediator let me know that he was going to put me on speaker and that G was in the room. I said I wasn't comfortable with that and preferred he was in another room. So he went into another room and called me back and I apologised for making his job harder, I just didn't want G to hear me if I got emotional... and the fact that I ramble when I'm nervous and sound like an absolute idiot.
It was a bit annoying that the session wasn't with the lady we'd had for our previous sessions as she knows our situation, so I had to explain a lot of it again - the reason for not telling him about being pregnant etc.
So anyway, he spoke to G first and said "G is asking for alternate weekend visits" and I replied "OK, yep that's what we've been doing, every second Saturday for 3 hours".
"No, he's talking about staying over Friday night through to Sunday afternoon".
Excuse me? How did we go from 3 hours to a whole weekend?
We were building up to that one 3 hour visit, starting at 1 hour and increasing by half an hour. I was too shocked to even ask exactly where he thought she would be staying, if she would be sleeping in a cot or bed, sharing a room or have her own room. Nope, I'm not agreeing to that. More 3 hour visits which can be increased to longer when her routine changes. At the moment she naps from 1:30 and can sleep between 2-4 hours. Her tea time is 5-5:30. Her bed time is 7:30. I'm not making her nap time later to accommodate a longer visit, as that makes her tea time and bed time later. L will decide herself when she no longer wants to have an afternoon nap, same as she decided she no longer wanted a morning nap.
The mediator went back to G and then said yes to the 3 hours but no restrictions. Again, I didn't agree. The same restrictions would be in place as they currently were - L was to stay at G's parents house and his girlfriend and her kids were not to be there. Very surprised when the mediator got back to me and said the session was over and he'd write out the new parenting plan and send it out. G knew that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (again) and to just take what was being offered.
We also discussed Z. Fair enough that G wants to see him, but he has not signed any paperwork to say that he's the father and he didn't confirm with the Child Support Agency that he was the father, has told me he has doubts yet told the mediator he doesn't have doubts and doesn't deny he's the father but wants a paternity test. Even the mediator was a little confused by this.
Information will be sent to us about using the Child Contact Services - a place where I can take Z and then G can spend time with him while he is supervised by someone from the centre. I don't think it's fair to put my Mum in the position of taking Z into his parent's house when she drops L off and then sit there while he has a cuddle. She also doesn't want him in her house again, especially now as we're in the process of moving.
Now I just wait and see what happens next. We were both told to seek legal advice (which I already have). It's not that I am denying him seeing Z, I just need the paperwork signed or the proper paternity test done first and will take him to court to get that done if I have to.
Everyone has a story. This is mine.
Wednesday, 15 July 2015
Monday, 6 July 2015
the killer itch
At around 33 weeks pregnant, my arms started to get incredibly itchy. The itch was under the skin and my arms felt like they were burning, but yet they were not red and there was no rash. Calamine lotion did nothing to help, the only relief was from a cold, wet towel draped over them.
I mentioned the itching to the doctor at my antenatal appointment but he dismissed it as being nothing more than my skin stretching.
A few days later (Saturday), with the itching still intense and stopping me from sleeping, I went to the Women's Assessment Unit to get some answers. I knew a little bit about a condition called Cholestasis of pregnancy and believed this is what I had. Typically, the itching occurs on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet but can be anywhere on the body and it gets worse at night.
They put the baby on the monitors to check his movements and I had a blood test, although they said the results wouldn't be accurate as I hadn't fasted. On May 7th I went back for more monitoring and tests, then again on May 12th where I was finally diagnosed with ICP and started on medication. Back on the 15th for more monitoring and tests (this would happen every Tuesday and Friday for the rest of the pregnancy). If my levels were improving with the medication and his movements were all good then they would keep him in as long as possible, otherwise they would induce me at 37 weeks.
6 days after being diagnosed, I went into labour.
Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy occurs in 1 out of 200 women and 1 out of those 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth. It is a serious condition that unfortunately many doctors are not aware of. Luckily I trusted my instincts and went and got a second opinion, otherwise Z may not be alive today.
I mentioned the itching to the doctor at my antenatal appointment but he dismissed it as being nothing more than my skin stretching.
A few days later (Saturday), with the itching still intense and stopping me from sleeping, I went to the Women's Assessment Unit to get some answers. I knew a little bit about a condition called Cholestasis of pregnancy and believed this is what I had. Typically, the itching occurs on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet but can be anywhere on the body and it gets worse at night.
They put the baby on the monitors to check his movements and I had a blood test, although they said the results wouldn't be accurate as I hadn't fasted. On May 7th I went back for more monitoring and tests, then again on May 12th where I was finally diagnosed with ICP and started on medication. Back on the 15th for more monitoring and tests (this would happen every Tuesday and Friday for the rest of the pregnancy). If my levels were improving with the medication and his movements were all good then they would keep him in as long as possible, otherwise they would induce me at 37 weeks.
6 days after being diagnosed, I went into labour.
Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy occurs in 1 out of 200 women and 1 out of those 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth. It is a serious condition that unfortunately many doctors are not aware of. Luckily I trusted my instincts and went and got a second opinion, otherwise Z may not be alive today.
Friday, 3 July 2015
more things I'm remembering...
G told me his password to get into his phone. I never abused the privilege. I never had a password for my phone or tablet until L got a bit older and wanted to play with them. G never noticed I had a password and I didn't tell him; if he had needed either my phone or tablet for something then I would have told him what it was.
When we split up for the first time (although it was really a break, not a break up - we were trying to work things out) I noticed him putting his password into his phone... and it was different. I didn't mention anything straight away and I didn't think to be suspicious, I was just more curious. Then one day I just casually came out with "did you change your password?" His answer was no. I replied "I can see you're putting it in different". His answer? "It's not different, it's just backwards."
WHICH MEANS IT IS DIFFERENT. DUH!
Fast forward a few months, we're back living together but a couple of days away from him kicking me out. He brings up the topic of his changed password and why he changed it - because staying at his mate's place he was watching/downloading a lot of porn. Hmmm... but that doesn't bother me and he knows that. And I wouldn't have been going through his phone looking for videos anyway, I would only need to use it to make a phone call or check something on the Internet if my own phone was playing up. So when I think about it now, he was obviously up to no good - probably texting his now girlfriend - I don't believe the porn story for a second.
Anyway, a couple of days before he kicked me out, he went through the Facebook messages on my old phone that didn't have a password on it - obviously I have nothing to hide as I left it out in the lounge room, because I thought I could trust him. He came to bed upset, I could tell he was crying so I asked him what was wrong and why was he crying, but he didn't answer me. I rubbed his back for a minute then rolled over and went to sleep - I was tired and would have to get up in the middle of the night with L. I had tried to find out what was wrong but he wouldn't speak to me. The next night when he did tell me, he said that he was having a breakdown and I showed how much I didn't care about him cos I just went to sleep! Then he admitted he had gone through the Facebook messages on my phone and read what I'd written to one of my good friends about him. The reason he did this was because he'd noticed that whenever he came near me, I'd close down whatever it was that I was looking at like I was hiding something. Well, it wasn't Facebook messages I was closing down - I'm in a Facebook support group for mums that had babies around the same time L was born and I didn't want him to see the pictures or read what the other mums were posting. So he read these messages and didn't like what he read and asked me how I felt about him reading them. I said it didn't bother me, they were my feelings about how he was treating me. He said he wasn't proud of going through my phone, but he couldn't promise he wouldn't do it again. Of course I ended up putting a password on that phone too and sure enough on the Saturday when he kicked me out he had tried to go through my phone again but found he couldn't. The guy I had been messaging was my friend of 13 years, married with a beautiful little girl and he would be coming to L's birthday party in a week so I think G was embarrassed that he would have to see him and that his family would be around my family and my family might say something to them about what was going on and he didn't want to have to deal with that as he doesn't tell his family anything - well anything but lies apparently.
When we split up for the first time (although it was really a break, not a break up - we were trying to work things out) I noticed him putting his password into his phone... and it was different. I didn't mention anything straight away and I didn't think to be suspicious, I was just more curious. Then one day I just casually came out with "did you change your password?" His answer was no. I replied "I can see you're putting it in different". His answer? "It's not different, it's just backwards."
WHICH MEANS IT IS DIFFERENT. DUH!
Fast forward a few months, we're back living together but a couple of days away from him kicking me out. He brings up the topic of his changed password and why he changed it - because staying at his mate's place he was watching/downloading a lot of porn. Hmmm... but that doesn't bother me and he knows that. And I wouldn't have been going through his phone looking for videos anyway, I would only need to use it to make a phone call or check something on the Internet if my own phone was playing up. So when I think about it now, he was obviously up to no good - probably texting his now girlfriend - I don't believe the porn story for a second.
Anyway, a couple of days before he kicked me out, he went through the Facebook messages on my old phone that didn't have a password on it - obviously I have nothing to hide as I left it out in the lounge room, because I thought I could trust him. He came to bed upset, I could tell he was crying so I asked him what was wrong and why was he crying, but he didn't answer me. I rubbed his back for a minute then rolled over and went to sleep - I was tired and would have to get up in the middle of the night with L. I had tried to find out what was wrong but he wouldn't speak to me. The next night when he did tell me, he said that he was having a breakdown and I showed how much I didn't care about him cos I just went to sleep! Then he admitted he had gone through the Facebook messages on my phone and read what I'd written to one of my good friends about him. The reason he did this was because he'd noticed that whenever he came near me, I'd close down whatever it was that I was looking at like I was hiding something. Well, it wasn't Facebook messages I was closing down - I'm in a Facebook support group for mums that had babies around the same time L was born and I didn't want him to see the pictures or read what the other mums were posting. So he read these messages and didn't like what he read and asked me how I felt about him reading them. I said it didn't bother me, they were my feelings about how he was treating me. He said he wasn't proud of going through my phone, but he couldn't promise he wouldn't do it again. Of course I ended up putting a password on that phone too and sure enough on the Saturday when he kicked me out he had tried to go through my phone again but found he couldn't. The guy I had been messaging was my friend of 13 years, married with a beautiful little girl and he would be coming to L's birthday party in a week so I think G was embarrassed that he would have to see him and that his family would be around my family and my family might say something to them about what was going on and he didn't want to have to deal with that as he doesn't tell his family anything - well anything but lies apparently.
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
L & Z updates
L had her 18 month (corrected) development assessment last week. She is 10.9kg and 81cm tall - that's half my height! She is behind in gross motor skills BUT after the appointment where she climbed on a chair and sat down, she's been trying to climb things around the house AND she's taken her first unassisted steps! Mum found an old pair of my toddler shoes and put them on her and the next thing I know she's standing up and taking steps. I call them "magic shoes".
I totally forgot about her physio appointment on the 23rd - baby brain made me think it was 23rd of July not June - so Ive re-booked for 17th July and hopefully that's given her feet more time to correct themselves. I think the shoes have definitely helped with that as she no longer tries to stand up using the instep. She is teething at the moment too and is a little bit sooky at times. She won't let me see in her mouth though to count how many teeth she actually has. I think I've seen 11 but I'm not sure.
Z is 6 weeks and 2 days old and starting to get a bit of chub on his legs. He's suffering from a bit of wind at the moment, no matter how many burps he does and is taking a lot longer than he used to to fall asleep, even using the Baby Shusher. He constantly struggles/grunts to get his arms unwrapped so I'm going to have to look at getting a swaddle so his arms are up but contained.
I haven't heard anything from G for a long time. Seems too busy taking selfies with his Queen so he's obviously in her good books again and the dog house didn't last for too long. I've contacted Child Support about adding Z and also changed from having a private agreement to getting them to collect for me - not that it will mean I will get any money as he has to put it into a bank account and then they transfer it to me. But at least they will keep a record of what hasn't been paid and it will all add up. So far it's only $34 a month for L and nothing yet for Z as his paternity has to be confirmed. Thirty-four dollars a month. How pathetic. Works out to just over a $1 a day, which doesn't even cover the cost of nappies. He has been notified by the Child Support Agency of the change but he hasn't contacted me about it which I thought he would. We have our next mediation on the 13th so we'll see what happens then. At least I don't have to go into the office as I'm doing my part over the phone. I need to think about what I feel comfortable to agree to with L's visits with G for the foreseeable future - I think I'll just stick with 3 hours every 2nd Saturday at his parent's house, with no taking her anywhere (there's really no need to take her to the shops or anywhere else) and his Queen and her kids aren't allowed to be there - not that I'll know if that happens or not anyway. I would love to send her with a hidden camera. He's such a liar that I don't believe anything he says.
As for Z - well I don't know what I'm going to do there. I guess until G can pay for the paternity test, then he won't be seeing him. I don't know why I would say he's the Dad if he isn't. I have no reason to lie about something like that. He didn't think L was his either. I hope he felt like a dick for ever questioning it when he found out she was.
I totally forgot about her physio appointment on the 23rd - baby brain made me think it was 23rd of July not June - so Ive re-booked for 17th July and hopefully that's given her feet more time to correct themselves. I think the shoes have definitely helped with that as she no longer tries to stand up using the instep. She is teething at the moment too and is a little bit sooky at times. She won't let me see in her mouth though to count how many teeth she actually has. I think I've seen 11 but I'm not sure.
Z is 6 weeks and 2 days old and starting to get a bit of chub on his legs. He's suffering from a bit of wind at the moment, no matter how many burps he does and is taking a lot longer than he used to to fall asleep, even using the Baby Shusher. He constantly struggles/grunts to get his arms unwrapped so I'm going to have to look at getting a swaddle so his arms are up but contained.
I haven't heard anything from G for a long time. Seems too busy taking selfies with his Queen so he's obviously in her good books again and the dog house didn't last for too long. I've contacted Child Support about adding Z and also changed from having a private agreement to getting them to collect for me - not that it will mean I will get any money as he has to put it into a bank account and then they transfer it to me. But at least they will keep a record of what hasn't been paid and it will all add up. So far it's only $34 a month for L and nothing yet for Z as his paternity has to be confirmed. Thirty-four dollars a month. How pathetic. Works out to just over a $1 a day, which doesn't even cover the cost of nappies. He has been notified by the Child Support Agency of the change but he hasn't contacted me about it which I thought he would. We have our next mediation on the 13th so we'll see what happens then. At least I don't have to go into the office as I'm doing my part over the phone. I need to think about what I feel comfortable to agree to with L's visits with G for the foreseeable future - I think I'll just stick with 3 hours every 2nd Saturday at his parent's house, with no taking her anywhere (there's really no need to take her to the shops or anywhere else) and his Queen and her kids aren't allowed to be there - not that I'll know if that happens or not anyway. I would love to send her with a hidden camera. He's such a liar that I don't believe anything he says.
As for Z - well I don't know what I'm going to do there. I guess until G can pay for the paternity test, then he won't be seeing him. I don't know why I would say he's the Dad if he isn't. I have no reason to lie about something like that. He didn't think L was his either. I hope he felt like a dick for ever questioning it when he found out she was.
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
the amount of fucks I don't give
G has found out about Z, not from receiving the birth registration but because I made a few posts on Facebook visible to people he knew and word got back to him as I knew it would. He rang my house phone, he rang my Mum's mobile, he rang my Dad's mobile. Finally my Mum sent him a text giving him my "special" number that I got especially for him to contact me on, so I don't get panic attacks every time I receive a call or text on my normal number thinking it may be him. I can turn this phone off and on as I choose.
The first text I got: "Hi it's G. How are you? So, is it true?"
Is what true G? That you're a lying jerkface? Yes that's true.
I sent back a nice reply along the lines of yes it's true, we created a perfect baby boy, born the day before your birthday, looks just like you and your brother when you were younger.
He's being nice back, playing on my emotional side, but I see right through him. I know as soon as I say something he doesn't agree with he will turn nasty and threatening.
It's changed a lot for you has it? Oh, it hasn't changed anything for me at all. You kicked us out and got together with someone else pretty much straight away and then I found out I was pregnant again, now I have a 5 week old and a 20 month old but MY LIFE HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL? You miss out on bonding with our newborn son because of the choices you made. It's not like you can come into my house and bath him or feed him overnight and I'm not sitting around in your living room while you cuddle him for an hour.
I asked if he wanted to do a paternity test as he was not going to be getting one done behind my back like he did with L. He said he would order another internet cheapy.... ummm, no. We can get a proper one done and he can pay the full amount.
Our relationship was never the same after I kicked him out of the house I paid for as he didn't even try to make things work. Oh, he said the words and sent the texts that things would be better when his girls were back together and he made promises that he would look after us. All lies. He is talking about the house being a financial mistake for him - hahaha, he made 2 mortgage repayments, while I invested $140,000. Who really made the financial mistake?
Now I know the reason I haven't been receiving any child support then. Obviously told the mediator a lie when he said he knew he was "3 weeks behind and had I changed my bank details?" Stupid of me to believe he would honour our private agreement like he does with his ex wife. Pretty sure she would still be receiving her money though, wouldn't want to piss her off! And he's probably still able to buy cigarettes, drugs and alcohol and toys for his son every weekend.
When my Mum dropped L off for her last visit, a man answered the door and he said he was house sitting while G's parents were away. If G was actually living there, then why was someone else house sitting? But G says he's "living" there but "house sitting".... Do you house sit the place where you live?
Does the think I really care if he's in the dog house with his girlfriend? Not my problem! He must have lied to her in the beginning and told her that we hadn't been having sex. Why should she have a problem anyway? G and I were in a relationship at the time of conception, it's not like he cheated on her with me. She is also best friends with his ex wife, but him creating a baby with me while we were in a relationship and living together is wrong?
The change is still coming? What does he even mean by that?
I'm not stopping mediation when he was the one who initiated it in the first place. Plus it helps to have the parenting plan in place that someone else knows about so it protects me a little bit in case he does anything dodgy. It's not a legal document but at least it's something.
All I got out of the whole conversation was "boo hoo, poor me, I have no money and my girlfriend is pissed off with me and this is all about me and my feelings." Am I meant to feel sorry for him? Because I don't. I feel sorry for my babies that they have such a pathetic man for a father. I feel sorry that I have to send my little girl to see him for a few hours and she must be really confused as to why she is there, playing with this strange heavily-bearded man that calls himself Dad. The things he says are just so stupid - he got excited last weekend thinking L had done a poo, because he hasn't changed her poo nappy for so long! Maybe I should text him next time she does one so he can come over and change it? He misses out on doing those things because he CHOSE to just throw it all away. He didn't fight for his family like he said he would, he cared more about himself and he still does. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
Let's see what bullshit he comes up with today...
The first text I got: "Hi it's G. How are you? So, is it true?"
Is what true G? That you're a lying jerkface? Yes that's true.
I sent back a nice reply along the lines of yes it's true, we created a perfect baby boy, born the day before your birthday, looks just like you and your brother when you were younger.
Our relationship was never the same after I kicked him out of the house I paid for as he didn't even try to make things work. Oh, he said the words and sent the texts that things would be better when his girls were back together and he made promises that he would look after us. All lies. He is talking about the house being a financial mistake for him - hahaha, he made 2 mortgage repayments, while I invested $140,000. Who really made the financial mistake?
Now I know the reason I haven't been receiving any child support then. Obviously told the mediator a lie when he said he knew he was "3 weeks behind and had I changed my bank details?" Stupid of me to believe he would honour our private agreement like he does with his ex wife. Pretty sure she would still be receiving her money though, wouldn't want to piss her off! And he's probably still able to buy cigarettes, drugs and alcohol and toys for his son every weekend.
When my Mum dropped L off for her last visit, a man answered the door and he said he was house sitting while G's parents were away. If G was actually living there, then why was someone else house sitting? But G says he's "living" there but "house sitting".... Do you house sit the place where you live?
Does the think I really care if he's in the dog house with his girlfriend? Not my problem! He must have lied to her in the beginning and told her that we hadn't been having sex. Why should she have a problem anyway? G and I were in a relationship at the time of conception, it's not like he cheated on her with me. She is also best friends with his ex wife, but him creating a baby with me while we were in a relationship and living together is wrong?
The change is still coming? What does he even mean by that?
All I got out of the whole conversation was "boo hoo, poor me, I have no money and my girlfriend is pissed off with me and this is all about me and my feelings." Am I meant to feel sorry for him? Because I don't. I feel sorry for my babies that they have such a pathetic man for a father. I feel sorry that I have to send my little girl to see him for a few hours and she must be really confused as to why she is there, playing with this strange heavily-bearded man that calls himself Dad. The things he says are just so stupid - he got excited last weekend thinking L had done a poo, because he hasn't changed her poo nappy for so long! Maybe I should text him next time she does one so he can come over and change it? He misses out on doing those things because he CHOSE to just throw it all away. He didn't fight for his family like he said he would, he cared more about himself and he still does. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
Let's see what bullshit he comes up with today...
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
#MicroblogMonday
I finally sent off Z's birth registration over the weekend. Now my heart thumps in my chest every day, waiting for an abusive phone call or Facebook message. Waiting for the horrible things that are no doubt going to be said about me. Scared about what will happen at L's next visit - will he refuse to give her back? Hoping that he denies being the father, but I know that he won't - he'll obviously want a paternity test done which is fine. At least this time he won't be doing it behind my back. Just looking at Z you can clearly tell, unlike L who has always looked very much like me.
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
Mr Z - 3 weeks
Mr Z spent 10 days in Special Care before I could take him home. He wasn't hooked up to monitors like his sister was. His only issue was feeding - he had to learn how to suck - and he had a bit of reflux. One morning, I went in to give him a bottle and he pulled out his feeding tube while I was changing his nappy. When I went back in the afternoon, they still hadn't put the tube back in and he had been doing really well with the bottle. The tube stayed out and he was allowed to go home 2 days later, even though he hadn't yet made it back to his birth weight.
The second time around has been much easier for me. I'm not as anxious and stressed as I was when L came home - which could also be because I don't have someone constantly insinuating that what I'm doing is wrong. I'm relaxed and happy. I don't need any help during the night feeds or getting him back to sleep. Changing his nappy is a bit of a challenge considering there is nothing to him and the newborn nappies are so big that the leg holes seem to gape and we've had a few outfit changes due to leakage. And then there's his little fire hose, trying to make sure it's covered while he's squirming around so he doesn't get either himself or me in the face, while also trying to keep his little feet out of his poo.
L doesn't seem too fussed by him. She did wake up crying a couple of times in the middle of the night when he was crying while getting his nappy changed, but we've sorted that out now and change him in the walk-in-robe where it's more sound proofed.
I haven't been able to lift her due to having a csection, so either my Mum or Dad always has to be around to put her in her highchair, put her to bed or move her away from a drawer or cupboard she shouldn't be playing in. She's grown up so much in the last 3 weeks - she can stand up and reach things that were once out of her reach and she's getting into everything!
Mr Z is a great baby. He is drinking his bottles well and sleeps between 4-6 hours at a time. At his 2 week check up he weighed 3kgs but that was with his nappy and clothes on so not entirely accurate.
The second time around has been much easier for me. I'm not as anxious and stressed as I was when L came home - which could also be because I don't have someone constantly insinuating that what I'm doing is wrong. I'm relaxed and happy. I don't need any help during the night feeds or getting him back to sleep. Changing his nappy is a bit of a challenge considering there is nothing to him and the newborn nappies are so big that the leg holes seem to gape and we've had a few outfit changes due to leakage. And then there's his little fire hose, trying to make sure it's covered while he's squirming around so he doesn't get either himself or me in the face, while also trying to keep his little feet out of his poo.
L doesn't seem too fussed by him. She did wake up crying a couple of times in the middle of the night when he was crying while getting his nappy changed, but we've sorted that out now and change him in the walk-in-robe where it's more sound proofed.
I haven't been able to lift her due to having a csection, so either my Mum or Dad always has to be around to put her in her highchair, put her to bed or move her away from a drawer or cupboard she shouldn't be playing in. She's grown up so much in the last 3 weeks - she can stand up and reach things that were once out of her reach and she's getting into everything!
Mr Z is a great baby. He is drinking his bottles well and sleeps between 4-6 hours at a time. At his 2 week check up he weighed 3kgs but that was with his nappy and clothes on so not entirely accurate.
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