the amount of fucks I don't give

G has found out about Z, not from receiving the birth registration but because I made a few posts on Facebook visible to people he knew and word got back to him as I knew it would. He rang my house phone, he rang my Mum's mobile, he rang my Dad's mobile. Finally my Mum sent him a text giving him my "special" number that I got especially for him to contact me on, so I don't get panic attacks every time I receive a call or text on my normal number thinking it may be him. I can turn this phone off and on as I choose.


The first text I got: "Hi it's G. How are you? So, is it true?"

Is what true G? That you're a lying jerkface? Yes that's true.

I sent back a nice reply along the lines of yes it's true, we created a perfect baby boy, born the day before your birthday, looks just like you and your brother when you were younger.

He's being nice back, playing on my emotional side,  but I see right through him. I know as soon as I say something he doesn't agree with he will turn nasty and threatening.

It's changed a lot for you has it? Oh, it hasn't changed anything for me at all. You kicked us out and got together with someone else pretty much straight away and then I found out I was pregnant again, now I have a 5 week old and a 20 month old but MY LIFE HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL? You miss out on bonding with our newborn son because of the choices you made. It's not like you can come into my house and bath him or feed him overnight and I'm not sitting around in your living room while you cuddle him for an hour.

I asked if he wanted to do a paternity test as he was not going to be getting one done behind my back like he did with L. He said he would order another internet cheapy.... ummm, no. We can get a proper one done and he can pay the full amount.
Our relationship was never the same after I kicked him out of the house I paid for as he didn't even try to make things work. Oh, he said the words and sent the texts that things would be better when his girls were back together and he made promises that he would look after us. All lies. He is talking about the house being a financial mistake for him - hahaha, he made 2 mortgage repayments, while I invested $140,000. Who really made the financial mistake?
Now I know the reason I haven't been receiving any child support then. Obviously told the mediator a lie when he said he knew he was "3 weeks behind and had I changed my bank details?" Stupid of me to believe he would honour our private agreement like he does with his ex wife. Pretty sure she would still be receiving her money though, wouldn't want to piss her off! And he's probably still able to buy cigarettes, drugs and alcohol and toys for his son every weekend.

When my Mum dropped L off for her last visit, a man answered the door and he said he was house sitting while G's parents were away. If G was actually living there, then why was someone else house sitting? But G says he's "living" there but "house sitting".... Do you house sit the place where you live?

Does the think I really care if he's in the dog house with his girlfriend? Not my problem! He must have lied to her in the beginning and told her that we hadn't been having sex. Why should she have a problem anyway? G and I were in a relationship at the time of conception, it's not like he cheated on her with me. She is also best friends with his ex wife, but him creating a baby with me while we were in a relationship and living together is wrong?

The change is still coming? What does he even mean by that?

I'm not stopping mediation when he was the one who initiated it in the first place. Plus it helps to have the parenting plan in place that someone else knows about so it protects me a little bit in case he does anything dodgy. It's not a legal document but at least it's something.

All I got out of the whole conversation was "boo hoo, poor me, I have no money and my girlfriend is pissed off with me and this is all about me and my feelings." Am I meant to feel sorry for him? Because I don't. I feel sorry for my babies that they have such a pathetic man for a father. I feel sorry that I have to send my little girl to see him for a few hours and she must be really confused as to why she is there, playing with this strange heavily-bearded man that calls himself Dad. The things he says are just so stupid - he got excited last weekend thinking L had done a poo, because he hasn't changed her poo nappy for so long! Maybe I should text him next time she does one so he can come over and change it? He misses out on doing those things because he CHOSE to just throw it all away.  He didn't fight for his family like he said he would, he cared more about himself and he still does. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Let's see what bullshit he comes up with today...

#MicroblogMonday

I finally sent off Z's birth registration over the weekend. Now my heart thumps in my chest every day, waiting for an abusive phone call or Facebook message. Waiting for the horrible things that are no doubt going to be said about me. Scared about what will happen at L's next visit - will he refuse to give her back? Hoping that he denies being the father, but I know that he won't - he'll obviously want a paternity test done which is fine. At least this time he won't be doing it behind my back. Just looking at Z you can clearly tell, unlike L who has always looked very much like me.

Mr Z - 3 weeks

Mr Z spent 10 days in Special Care before I could take him home. He wasn't hooked up to monitors like his sister was. His only issue was feeding - he had to learn how to suck - and he had a bit of reflux. One morning, I went in to give him a bottle and he pulled out his feeding tube while I was changing his nappy. When I went back in the afternoon, they still hadn't put the tube back in and he had been doing really well with the bottle. The tube stayed out and he was allowed to go home 2 days later, even though he hadn't yet made it back to his birth weight.

The second time around has been much easier for me. I'm not as anxious and stressed as I was when L came home - which could also be because I don't have someone constantly insinuating that what I'm doing is wrong. I'm relaxed and happy. I don't need any help during the night feeds or getting him back to sleep. Changing his nappy is a bit of a challenge considering there is nothing to him and the newborn nappies are so big that the leg holes seem to gape and we've had a few outfit changes due to leakage. And then there's his little fire hose, trying to make sure it's covered while he's squirming around so he doesn't get either himself or me in the face, while also trying to keep his little feet out of his poo.

L doesn't seem too fussed by him. She did wake up crying a couple of times in the middle of the night when he was crying while getting his nappy changed, but we've sorted that out now and change him in the walk-in-robe where it's more sound proofed.
I haven't been able to lift her due to having a csection, so either my Mum or Dad always has to be around to put her in her highchair, put her to bed or move her away from a drawer or cupboard she shouldn't be playing in. She's grown up so much in the last 3 weeks - she can stand up and reach things that were once out of her reach and she's getting into everything!

Mr Z is a great baby. He is drinking his bottles well and sleeps between 4-6 hours at a time. At his 2 week check up he weighed 3kgs but that was with his nappy and clothes on so not entirely accurate.