Tuesday, 1 December 2015

keep living in your own twisted sense of reality

I'M BAAAAAAACK!!!

I've been gone for a long time and I'm sorry.
We moved house the middle of October and I've only recently been able to get a semi-decent internet connection AND I've been organising a new business venture.... but more about all that and what we've been up to later.

I wanted to write an update post after my hiatus, until something happened yesterday that got me really annoyed and I had to vent about it.

You might remember a post I wrote about being a sort of Google super sleuth. Every so often I will browse the internet looking up a couple of people to find anything I can that they've commented on. Usually it's D and his sister J as I know the screen names they use and the sites they post on.

D seems to spend most of his time on a forum called reddit commenting on the most ridiculous questions. Add the time spent on there to his guitar playing, computer gaming, some thing called 'cubing', coffee drinking and baked goods eating, no wonder he doesn't have time for basic personal hygiene. He really was a stinky slob when we were together but I overlooked that because of his sense of humour and cute smile.

So, on this reddit forum, there was a question "Why is your ex an ex?"
The correct answer would have been "because I'm an idiot and didn't respect her feelings and she deserved better than that" but of course that isn't how he answered.
Apparently I was childishly jealous of his sister being pregnant. Incorrect. I was a normal level of jealous and it set off my depression in a big way, as I was 30 years old and had wanted a baby for many years. It also really hurt me when he went along to her 3D ultrasound as to me that's an experience you share with your partner when you have your own child. For him to say I was childishly jealous just goes to show how little he understood or even cared about my feelings.
I forced him to choose between me and his family (and he still has a grudge against me for that). I never forced him to do anything of the sort, I just explained to him that perhaps it was time cut the cord a little bit. Their relationship and involvement with each other was a little too close for my liking. Having a loving and supportive family is wonderful but not when you're 28 years old and your mummy still treats you like a little boy and complains when she hasn't seen you for a couple of days and gets upset because your girlfriend is taking you overseas for your birthday and it will be the first birthday she hasn't seen you. I have a son of my own now and there is no way I will be like that with him. Perhaps she should have spent her time teaching him some basic life skills like cooking and cleaning and the basic personal hygiene I mentioned before.
It only took me 2 months to find another sucker and get pregnant and kick him out before #2 was born. It's nice when someone comments on something they know absolutely NOTHING about! As you all know, that's not what happened at all.
His final words on the topic? What a mongface. Wow. Name calling, how mature.

I decided to set him straight and sent him a FB message saying that it is AMAZING what can be found on the internet these days and that I think he's a little unclear on some of the facts.
His reply was "thanks for your opinion on that".
My response back - "opinion is only a belief, facts can be supported by evidence".

The reason why your ex is an ex is because you had no idea how to be in a relationship, spending time with your girlfriend was always an afterthought, you were extremely lazy and irresponsible and she'd had enough of you sweating buckets on her during really bad sex.

Friday, 4 September 2015

i'm thinking the search may be futile

I'm not ready for another relationship just yet, but I decided to join another online dating site - this time Oasis Active - to see who is out there, perhaps start a conversation and get to know each other and see what happens in the future.

Off to a great start already <insert sarcasm>.

To start a conversation with someone, you have to "like" their profile and then they have to also "like" yours, or vice versa and then they get added to your contacts where you can start chatting to them in a private message.

I was notified I had a "like" from someone - I'll call him doucheburger for the purpose of this story - and so I clicked on his profile. We had absolutely nothing in common, but he had a few pictures of himself so I decided to "like" his profile and say hi. After all, maybe opposites attract?

<me> Hi. How are you? Just wanted to say I like your photos, even though we have absolutely nothing in common.
<doucheburger> lol thanks. What are you up to today?
<me> Just the usual, looking after my little ones. What about yourself?

doucheburger has removed your from his contacts or deleted his profile.

What the? My profile clearly states that I am a single Mum who has 2 tiny humans. He could have at least said "seeya" or "thanks for contacting me but I'm not interested". Don't think he's going to have much luck finding a relationship when he has no manners or conversation skills.

My profile also clearly states that I am looking for someone who lives within 15kms from me. So why am I getting "likes" from guys in different states? Different COUNTRIES? Can they not read?

Sounds like he's an intelligent guy, yet he didn't understand "within 15kms from me"
Righty-o. Good luck with that.
Also getting a lot of interest from men who are in their 40's and 50's, when my profile specifies I am seeking men between the age of 30 and 36.

Searching through the profiles is sort of depressing. I get that it is sometimes hard to describe yourself - I know I had major troubles trying to write my profile in a way to attract someone's attention and interest - but when someone says they are intelligent and have made at least 10 spelling mistakes in 6 sentences, I have my doubts.

I feel I am destined to be single forever! Which might not be such a bad thing.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

a little encouragment or confidence boosting wouldn't go astray

While scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed today, I found an advertisement I was interested in. I clicked on the link, read what it involved and it sounded really exciting and fun and my first thought was "I want to do this!" The only thing is, it's totally out of my comfort zone.

Here's the deal:

Create a 2 minute video answering "Why are you passionate about tech?" and "Why would you make a great tech tester"

Semi-finalists will be required to participate in a video interview over Skype.

The Tech Testers must attend a 2 day workshop in Sydney. Lunch provided both days up to $40 per person. $300 provided for incidentals. Flights paid for and 2 nights accommodation, Maximum value of the workshop will be between $380 - $1280 depending on location.


Tech Testers provided with:
A MacBook Air or similar laptop valued up to $1539 

Editing software valued up to $379
A camera valued up to $499
A tripod valued up at $65.95

To use for 12 months and if all 12 reviews are completed, kept as a thank you.

Each month, provided with a product to review. Total of all 12 products will be valued at a minimum of $6000 and not exceed $12,000. Products can be kept if review is completed.

WOW! All that free technology! Technology is my THING! How amazing would this be?

I told my Mum about it and along with some major eye rolling, the first words out her mouth were "as if YOU can do that."

Thanks Mum. Way to have some faith and confidence in me. This is how it's been my whole life. No wonder there are a lot of things that I can't do, things that set my anxiety into overdrive, even though I would love to do them.

I'm not going to be that way with my children. If they tell me they want to do something (within reason) then I will give them the encouragement and support they deserve. And if they happen to be unsuccessful, there will no "I told you so", but there will be a "better luck next time, at least you had a go and gave it your best shot".





I really want to enter just to prove that even though I might not have the confidence, I can do anything I want to if I want it badly enough.

*I started writing this on Monday, the entries close tomorrow and so I've run out of time :(

Friday, 21 August 2015

(PRODUCT REVIEW) love to dream swaddle up

This is a review on the Love To Dream Swaddle UP. I was not paid for this review and all opinions are my own. I purchased the product myself.

Most babies love to be swaddled, or wrapped nice and tightly. It stops their startle reflex and makes them feel safe and secure. I wrapped L until she was about a year old, although it became increasingly difficult to do as she got bigger and she was always a bit of an escape artist. I was just using a muslin wrap and no sooner had we got her all wrapped up she'd start to wriggle her arms until they were out (sometimes one little hand was out even before we'd finished!) It also took me a while to transition her to one arm out and then both arms out, but I did it when she was ready and not just because someone was telling me she was too old to still be wrapped. I knew that if she wasn't wrapped, or wrapped properly, that she would wake up well before she was due for a bottle and as I was the one to get up with her during the night then I wanted to make sure that this didn't happen.

Z became a Houdini as soon as he got home. It was incredibly hard to wrap him, but if I didn't he would cut his face up with his sharp little nails. Mittens just wouldn't stay on. I had heard great things about the Love To Dream Swaddle UP so I decided to buy one.

Instead of their arms being down by their sides or across their bodies, the Swaddle UP secures their arms in an upright position, allowing the baby to soothe themselves by sucking their hands or rubbing their face.

Image from Baby Junction website
There are 3 stages to the Love To swaddle range:

UP (0-4 months) - both arms up
50/50 (4-8 months) - to transition baby towards being arms-free, one arm is up and the other is free
Sleep Bag (4-36 months) - Both arms free, legs still covered.

They are available in different sizes, colours and "togs". A tog measurement is a warmth rating, the higher the tog the warmer the product will be. There are guidelines to help you work out what tog will be most suited for the climate or temperature of your baby's room, what the baby should be wearing underneath and how many blankets to put over the top.

My likes:
  • Easy to put on, no baby wrangling required!
  • 2-way zip for easy nappy changes
  • Helps to self settle
My dislikes:
  • The price. Starting at $39.95AU (more for Limited Edition design/colours). I have 3 as Z likes to throw up or wet through his nappy and I could probably do with a couple more. All are in the same size, so I will then have to buy 3 or more in the next size up, in either the UP or the 50/50 depending on if I feels he's ready to be transitioned.
  • When he sucks his little winged hands and then rubs his face, he ends up with really dry and red patches of skin on the side of his face. 
VERDICT: I really wish I had bought these for L!

For more information: www.lovetodream.com.au


Thursday, 20 August 2015

when to seek medical advice for your children

It is heartbreaking when your little ones get sick. You feel so helpless and usually second guess yourself - "should I take them to the doctor? Should I take them to the hospital? Should I give them Panadol?" etc.

I found this handy little article on Kidspot - 10 kids' symptoms you should never ignore.

Coughs and colds will generally run their course and all you can do is make sure your child is hydrated, either by more frequent breast/bottle feeds or water if they are at the appropriate age and giving pain relief or a lukewarm bath to bring down a temperature.

Rashes/spots are still a bit of a mystery to me as they could be ANYTHING - hives from an allergic reaction to something, a viral rash, chicken pox, mozzie bites or meningitis etc. The thing is, some rashes look completely the same and it can be hard to tell the difference.  

With regards to high fevers -
Seek medical attention if your child is:
  • Younger than 3 months and has a temperature of 38°C or higher.
  • Between 3 to 6 months and has a temperature higher than 38.9°C.
  • A newborn and has a lower than normal temperature – less than 36.1°C. Very young babies may not regulate body temperature well when they’re ill and may become cold rather than hot.
  • Any age and has a temperature over 39.4°C
Otherwise keep your child hydrated and give pain relief to make them comfortable.

Head to the GP if:
  • Your child has had a fever for longer than 5 days and is getting sicker rather than better. This is a sign of possible infection and will require antibiotics.
Head to the hospital if:
  • Your child shows signs of dehydration, is glassy-eyed or unresponsive. 
  • Your child also has a headache or a stiff neck. This may be a sign or meningitis.
In most cases a fever accompanied by a rash is caused by a mild virus called roseola.

Head to the hospital if:
  • If you notice your child has dry mouth and lips, has fewer wet nappies than usual, a flat fontanelle (in an infant), dry skin or skin that stays bunched when you pinch it, excessive vomiting or diarrhoea - this could be a severe case of dehydration and requires urgent medical attention.
Head to the hospital if:
  • Your child has a headache and is vomiting - this combination can be a sign of meningitis.

Head to the GP or hospital if:
  • Your child complains of sudden stomach pains around the navel with progress to a sharp pain in the lower right side. This can be a sign of appendicitis. Other symptoms include: pain in the lower back, hamstring or rectum, fever, vomiting, diarrhoea or constipation and loss of appetite.
If the appendix bursts then its infected contents will spread through the abdomen. An infection can be life threatening without prompt treatment.

One of the most important symptoms in this article is when your gut instinct tells you something is not right. Never feel like it's stupid to push and persist for help if you feel there is something not right. I took L to hospital just because it was taking longer than usual to get her to go to sleep and she was screaming and screaming which was so out of character for her. She had no fever, wasn't off her bottles or food, but they still took me seriously and did an xray and an ultrasound, even transferred us by ambulance to another hospital. They thought she may have a problem with her bowel but in the end it turned out to be a little bit of constipation. I didn't think it would be constipation as she was pooing every couple of days and I thought it was only considered constipation if it was longer than 10 days.

We are lucky in Australia to have a hotline to ring to ask a registered nurse for advice if we are unsure what to do. Call HealthDirect on 1800 022 222. This is not just advice for babies or children but for everyone.

Please read the article for more symptoms you should not ignore.

The Panadol site also has a nifty dosage calculator that works out the correct dosage of all the childrens' range based on age and weight. For example, L is nearly 2 and roughly 11.5kgs. If I gave her Baby Drops (1 month - 2 years) she'd have a 1.5-1.8mL dosage. Panadol Suspension 1-5years she'd have a 6-8mL dosage. Panadol Suspension 5-12 years she'd have 3-4mL and Panadol Elixir 5-12 years she'd have 3-4mL. Definitely much easier than trying to work it out yourself based on the amount of paracetamol per mL for their weight and less chance of an overdose. Of course it's better to buy the correct product for your child, but sometimes you may run out without realising and have the other one on hand for another child, or have accidentally purchased the wrong one.

(PRODUCT REVIEW) shh, shh - baby shusher

This is a review on the Baby Shusher. I was not paid for this review and all opinions are my own. I purchased the product myself when I responded to a Facebook post to receive 20% off.

It gets very tiring continuously making a shushing sound to get a baby to sleep, so what better product to buy than one that does the hard work for you!

Designed to be most effective from birth to 6 months of age, I decided to give it a go anyway even though L was over a year old. We were using the shushing method to get her to sleep (along with patting, singing, rocking, white noise, vodka in the bottle - just kidding!) so I was willing to give it a try and save my poor mouth from going dry.

Switched it on to have a listen and WOAH, it's kind of creepy. It sounds like a man is standing in the room saying shhhhhh shhhhhh repeatedly (but don't worry, you do get used to it and eventually you don't even notice it anymore).

Night 1 - The lovely person who contacted me from their Facebook Page suggested that L take ownership of the shusher and to make her feel like it's a special thing to take to bed. So I let her lay down and play with it and within a minute she was... crying cos she had hit herself in the head with it. Awesome. I moved the shusher onto her desk and left it on as we tried a million other things to get her to sleep. There's something about Thursday night bed time that makes her go a bit silly.

And that was the end of that. I didn't try using it again with her. Thankfully she now goes to sleep with a kiss and a good night-have a great sleep-see you in the morning-I love you.

I started using it with Z as soon as he got home, in conjunction with a white noise machine set on the heartbeat noise. He's not much of a screamer so I haven't seen if it helps settle him during a screaming episode, but it definitely works with getting him to sleep! He has self settled perfectly, no rocking or patting required. He is fed, burped, put down on the playmat for some play time, he yawns and I put him in his swaddle, put him in the pram (yes he sleeps in the pram, just like his sister!), tuck him in, put the shusher and white noise on, take him into a room where L won't disturb him, check him in 5 minutes and he's asleep (or if not asleep, he's relaxed and quiet).


It has a handy 15 minute or 30 minute timer (I always put it on 30 minutes) and a volume control, which we have down at a low level at the moment as I found he doesn't really like it when it's up loud.

Yes, you can download apps on your phone that do the same thing BUT I use my phone a lot (always on Facebook or playing Candy Crush) so being without my phone is not an option. You'd have to put your phone on airplane mode so it doesn't ring or make any other notification noise which would disturb your baby and defeat the purpose and is it really that safe to put a phone that close to their head?

VERDICT - I really like this product and highly recommend it.

RRP $55.95AU or like their Facebook page to be notified of any discounts or giveaways.
http://babyshusher.com.au/
https://www.facebook.com/BabyShusherAustralia
http://www.babyshusher.com
https://www.facebook.com/BabyShusher

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

L & Z update

Today I have  22 month old and a 3 month old!

Very soon L will be 2. I already have most of her presents on layby from when the toy sales were on earlier in the year (I never usually layby but as we are in the process of moving house it was easier instead of having to store them here and then move them to the new house).
This year I've been able to organise her party without every idea I've had being ignored or rejected. I will be making her cake this year, it will be a macaron tower so I'm hoping I can make perfect macarons as they can be fussy little things!

She is getting more confident with her walking but does still prefer to crawl or shuffle around on her knees. Her communication and understanding is incredible. On the weekend, she had 2 visits with G and on Sunday I asked her what she had for lunch, did she have a sandwich? No response. Did she have noodles? She nodded. So I texted G and asked what she had for lunch and he said she had noodles! I've also been asking her to tell me if she's done a poo poo and the other day she said "poo poo" and sure enough, she'd done one! She can identify all the numbers from 1-10, even if she can't say them. She's learning more words every day.

Z is a perfect little man. He has a long stint between his last bottle at night to the next one, which allows me to have a pretty decent sleep. During the day it can be anywhere from 2.5 hours to 4 hours between bottles. He is full of smiles and the occasional giggle. He self settles very well with his shusher and heartbeat white noise machine on. Still a bit refluxy but it doesn't seem to bother him.

They are both in cahoots with each other though, they both wake up either at the same time or within 10 minutes. Z always wants a bottle right at the time L needs a wash and bottle before going to bed at 7:30. If we miss the 7:30 mark then she tends to get a bit rotten and plays up a bit. L doesn't really pay him much attention, she leaves him alone and glances at him from time to time. I still don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.  It does upset her when he is crying so we try to make sure he's at the other end of the house during dinner time or bed time.

G still hasn't met Z. I got the birth certificate sent back without his name on it as the Father as he didn't sign it, even though he was given plenty of opportunities. He tells everyone he is the Father, but he can't sign a piece of legal documentation to say that? I don't know what happens now, but I'm not going to push the issue... he knows what he has to do if he wants to meet him.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

wonderful world of the internet vol: 1

I've been on a bit of a spending spree, all in the comfort of my own home dressed in my pyjamas. I love online shopping!
We'll be moving into our new home soon and I decided I needed a new bed as I only have an ensemble but no head board or frame. I will use the mattress that I currently have.

Purchase number 1:

I think the picture is a king size, I ordered a queen.

Then I saw these and fell in love with the colour. Unfortunately I won't get them for a while as they are currently out of stock, but I have them on back order.


And a rug for the living room:


L is getting a big girl bed:

All from Beds Online.

---

I have a lot of articles from mummy/baby pages pop up in my newsfeed. Sometimes they are great stories and full of useful information and sometimes they are crap like this.

For starters, the title is shit. The message they are trying to get across is that you don't need to give up breast feeding just because you'd like to have a couple of alcoholic drinks. There's really no need to add a "formula is poison" spin to it. The ABA should be more concerned with providing information for how to feed a baby correctly - whether it be formula or breast milk - instead of trying to make new Mums feel guilty.

---

This story is amazing. 4 sets of twins in 5 years, all conceived naturally.  The article was written before the babies were born. I always thought it would be cute to have twins, but having 2 babies 19 months apart is hard enough work!

---

I've never eaten Pho before, but I watched a programme on TV where the guy was in Vietnam and there they eat it for breakfast and the way he described it sounded really yummy. So I went on the hunt online to find somewhere near me that makes Pho. The one place I wanted to try doesn't deliver to my area so I then looked for a simple recipe that I could make myself as my like for cooking is getting stronger and a bit more adventurous. Here is the recipe I will be using.

---

What interesting things have you read/found on the Internet recently?




Tuesday, 28 July 2015

#MicroblogMonday

At nearly 33 years old, I learned how to dice an onion properly.

I've used Google to look up nearly everything else - how to make jacket potatoes in the microwave, how to make a lump-free white sauce, how to clean an oven with bicarb and vinegar - I don't know why I've never searched for "dicing an onion" before.

Friday, 24 July 2015

proove (sic) it

If you're going to accuse me of something or make statements you wish everyone to believe, at least provide proof. Stop playing the victim, no one is doing anything to you, you are doing it all to yourself. It's really quite pathetic. You're not the father who is not being allowed to see his son, you are the father who refuses to sign paperwork to say he's the father. You're not the father who doesn't get to see his daughter, you are the father who sees his daughter but not under his terms. You don't like it when you don't have control and you're obviously pissed off that I'm not the pushover you thought I would be. Yes I may have anxiety and get nervous in certain situations but I can stand up for what I believe in and will fight for the safety and well-being of my children.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

i should have known then

Hindsight is a bitch.

The first few months of any relationship is usually perfect because you're in the honeymoon period. You're getting to know each other, you're on your best behaviour, you're thoughtful and kind and considerate and showing off your best qualities.

The first 7 months were great except for one argument, which thinking back to it should have been a sign of what was to come.

My dog, K, was very protective of me. If we were having cuddles on the lounge together and G approached me to give me a kiss, K would growl at him as if to say "leave my Mummy alone, this is our time". K understood Mummy had a baby growing in her belly.
G and K got along great. G's own dog was a similar breed although a lot older. K loved it when G got home from work and would throw the ball to him and give him big pats.

One night G and I were in bed and he came out with "K needs to be desexed as he is aggressive. If he bites me I'll kick the shit out of him but if he bites the kids I will kill him."

Nice.

I spent the night on a mattress on the floor in the spare room. He kept texting me, begging me to come back to bed but I wouldn't. Telling me K was a safety threat to R and the new baby and he wants me to realise how bad it can get, as a responsible dog owner I need to consider this. That I was running from my problems, pushing him away and shutting him out but he wasn't going anywhere - he loved me and he's there for me.

K growled and got snarly at me too and also my Dad - it was his way of telling us to leave him alone. If you're going to keep provoking him, then that's at your own risk. Perhaps teach your son to leave him alone if he was growling - he was old enough to understand. I wouldn't be leaving K alone with the baby at any time. I didn't think it was fair to get his balls chopped off after 5 years, punishing him for something he hadn't done wrong. And my brother's beautiful puppy-girl passed away from complications after being desexed.

Needless to say, I still feel I made the right decision. K was nothing but awesome when L came home. He just wanted to be near her and give her kisses and cuddles but he couldn't get himself close enough. When she got a bit older he just wanted her to pat him but she didn't really have much control of her hands. He didn't care if she was poking him in the eye, he loved the attention from her. It made me sad the day I moved back in with G without K - we couldn't have a dog at the rental place and he had a strong bond with my Dad anyway that I didn't want to break. I haven't seen him for a long time, didn't spend a lot of time with him during my last pregnancy and I love and miss my fur-baby so much :( I hope he knows this.

I should have known then that this would continue - him telling me something in a horrible way, making it sound as if I didn't do this or that then I wasn't a responsible person and I would never forgive myself if something happened, making me feel like shit and then telling me he loved me and I could talk to him and tell him anything.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

if your lips are moving, then you're lying

OMG some people are delusional! They keep making up lies after lies after lies to get sympathy votes. And everybody believes them instead of looking at the FACTS and the PROOF. It's so pathetic that it's hilarious. I honestly will never believe anything that G says ever again.

Apparently his version of the truth is not only did he go to work and work hard, he was also up every night feeding L (while I slept), did all the cooking and cleaning, washed my clothes, while I sat on my arse all day.




Does he forget that my Dad lived with us for a majority of the time we were together? That he was the one who was often up helping me while G snored away? My Mum quite often came and stayed overnight to help with the night feeds in the first few weeks so I could get some sleep as I was absolutely exhausted (or did we just imagine that happened?) And honestly, if he was a supportive partner he should be getting up to help out with the night feeds while I get some sleep and have some bonding time with his daughter. Does he forget that he used to go to bed quite late anyway even if he had work the next day, so what was the point in both of us staying up? If he was still up then he could feed her. Honestly, if I had done every single feed myself he would have complained that he never got to do it. I'm sure I can find Facebook posts from the wee hours of the morning that prove that I wasn't asleep.



As for the cleaning, yes while we rented a house by ourselves for 2 months he did the cleaning. Because he wanted to, he told me he liked cleaning and liked to be kept busy. I had told him in the beginning that I wasn't much of a housewife and even explained to him before we moved back in together not to get shitty if such and such wasn't done, as my main priority at the time was looking after L. I also have the texts to prove that too. One thing I did do were the dishes (unless G cooked, then he would do them as he went). Then he decided he would use the dishwasher, so I made sure that the next day I unloaded it and put everything away. He kept saying "bubby, leave the dishes I'll do them" but I knew if I let him do them it would be something he would use against me later on - which he's done anyway! When Dad was living with us, HE did the dishes every night and G got shitty cos he wasn't able to do them! Dad also did a majority of the vacuuming and we all shared the cooking. G cleaned our ensuite bathroom, because I could never get the shower as clean as him and I just found it awkward to do.

I don't understand the washing my clothes business. He did them ONCE and that was just before I came home from hospital. The only things he washed were his clothes and his son's clothes. I never asked him or told him to wash my clothes or L's clothes EVER.

I guess as a mother I'm not allowed to sleep, not allowed to have time to myself to just sit and read a book, pick my nose, check Facebook. I have to be responsible for looking after the baby 24 hours a day, plus do the dishes, the washing, the cooking AND the cleaning.... all because he actually gets to leave the house to go to work. Never mind the fact that I was the one providing the roof over our heads, not him. Or the fact that I was recovering from 2 surgeries which left me with a bit of postnatal depression because of the way L arrived and the things I missed out on. Then dealing with his emotional abuse on top of that. I was literally on the phone to my Mum crying nearly every single day because of things he did or said. Funny how I'm not crying or upset now after having Z.

These people need to go back to school and learn to read and comprehend what they are reading, instead of twisting things around. I am immature and selfish and not being a respectable mother, I'm a disgusting person and I am denying G from seeing his kids? He gets to see L. It may not be in the way he wants, but he still gets to see her. No he hasn't seen Z yet, but he also hasn't signed any paperwork to say he's the father. He has 5 days left to sign the birth registration, otherwise it will be issued without his name on it. I've told him that he needs to either sign the paperwork, or pay for the DNA test to be done and then sign the paperwork and then we'll discuss when he can meet Z.
No, he will meet him first and then sign the paperwork.
I want the test done so I have to pay for it, or pay for half of it. I was the one who mentioned a test in the first place, so I should organise it. I mentioned getting a test done so he wouldn't do a dodgy one behind my back and because why would he want to meet a baby that he doesn't believe is his? He is the one who has doubts, I am 100% certain he is the father. In the end he is going to look like a fool anyway for delaying it all for so long. Seriously, you want to see him, there are your options. I'm not repeating myself again.

If I love my kids then I will come to my senses and let them see their Dad.

They will end up resenting me.
Don't take my hate out on them.

I'm jealous of their relationship and I'm not over him and want him back.
I'm still hurting because he ended our relationship.



I would not take him back even if he was the last man on earth and he paid me. She can have him and good luck to her! I got over him a loooooong time ago.


Tuesday, 21 July 2015

being ripped apart

Went and spoke to my lawyer yesterday to give her an update on everything, so she is prepared in the event that G takes me to court.

I freaked out when the new Parenting Plan arrived as with it was a certificate stating that we both attended mediation and made our best effort but the dispute was not resolved. To my knowledge, the dispute was being resolved, in stages. The lawyer explained it to me but it doesn't really make any sense - she said that it was issued as the mediation had come to an end, that we could still go to mediation in the future but it would be starting from the beginning again.  The mediator did not make me aware of this when I spoke to him and the Parenting Plan states that it is for the "interim" while we both seek legal advice (which isn't written in the previous ones).

He says he wants us to communicate with each other and not do mediation anymore (as he can't afford it - it's only $15!) and then he goes and has a public rant on Facebook about how I'm keeping his kids from him and all he wants to do is be a father to them. And then his girlfriend comments about how I am being selfish and immature and they will love Z unconditionally and really miss his sister and she is in their thoughts everyday. If he wants to be a "father" then maybe he should sign the paperwork he's been sent to say he is Z's father! Again, he says one thing but doesn't do anything to back up what he's said.

It makes me sick, thinking about sending my children to stay with them so they can play happy families, her "mothering" my precious babies like they're her own. Breaks my heart that I will have no way of knowing what goes on while they're there. I was never allowed to mother R, had no say in what he did or anything. I loved him and made sure he was safe, fed and happy but it wasn't my place to bath him or comfort him when he was sick - that was G's job.

Grrrrr, I'm so angry. This is not what I wanted for my babies at all. I'm tired of them calling me immature and selfish and what I'm doing isn't fair to them. What HE is doing isn't fair to them. Can't anyone else see that?

I just want to run away, change our names and get on with our lives.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

nice try, but no

On Monday morning I had another mediation session, this time I did my part over the phone.

When I was first called, the mediator let me know that he was going to put me on speaker and that G was in the room. I said I wasn't comfortable with that and preferred he was in another room. So he went into another room and called me back and I apologised for making his job harder, I just didn't want G to hear me if I got emotional... and the fact that I ramble when I'm nervous and sound like an absolute idiot.

It was a bit annoying that the session wasn't with the lady we'd had for our previous sessions as she knows our situation, so I had to explain a lot of it again - the reason for not telling him about being pregnant etc.

So anyway, he spoke to G first and said "G is asking for alternate weekend visits" and I replied "OK, yep that's what we've been doing, every second Saturday for 3 hours".
"No, he's talking about staying over Friday night through to Sunday afternoon".

Excuse me? How did we go from 3 hours to a whole weekend?
We were building up to that one 3 hour visit, starting at 1 hour and increasing by half an hour. I was too shocked to even ask exactly where he thought she would be staying, if she would be sleeping in a cot or bed, sharing a room or have her own room. Nope, I'm not agreeing to that. More 3 hour visits which can be increased to longer when her routine changes. At the moment she naps from 1:30 and can sleep between 2-4 hours. Her tea time is 5-5:30. Her bed time is 7:30. I'm not making her nap time later to accommodate a longer visit, as that makes her tea time and bed time later. L will decide herself when she no longer wants to have an afternoon nap, same as she decided she no longer wanted a morning nap.

The mediator went back to G and then said yes to the 3 hours but no restrictions. Again, I didn't agree. The same restrictions would be in place as they currently were - L was to stay at G's parents house and his girlfriend and her kids were not to be there. Very surprised when the mediator got back to me and said the session was over and he'd write out the new parenting plan and send it out. G knew that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (again) and to just take what was being offered.

We also discussed Z. Fair enough that G wants to see him, but he has not signed any paperwork to say that he's the father and he didn't confirm with the Child Support Agency that he was the father, has told me he has doubts yet told the mediator he doesn't have doubts and doesn't deny he's the father but wants a paternity test. Even the mediator was a little confused by this.
Information will be sent to us about using the Child Contact Services - a place where I can take Z and then G can spend time with him while he is supervised by someone from the centre. I don't think it's fair to put my Mum in the position of taking Z into his parent's house when she drops L off and then sit there while he has a cuddle. She also doesn't want him in her house again, especially now as we're in the process of moving.

Now I just wait and see what happens next. We were both told to seek legal advice (which I already have). It's not that I am denying him seeing Z, I just need the paperwork signed or the proper paternity test done first and will take him to court to get that done if I have to.

Monday, 6 July 2015

the killer itch

At around 33 weeks pregnant, my arms started to get incredibly itchy. The itch was under the skin and my arms felt like they were burning, but yet they were not red and there was no rash. Calamine lotion did nothing to help, the only relief was from a cold, wet towel draped over them.
I mentioned the itching to the doctor at my antenatal appointment but he dismissed it as being nothing more than my skin stretching.

A few days later (Saturday), with the itching still intense and stopping me from sleeping, I went to the Women's Assessment Unit to get some answers. I knew a little bit about a condition called Cholestasis of pregnancy and believed this is what I had. Typically, the itching occurs on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet but can be anywhere on the body and it gets worse at night.

They put the baby on the monitors to check his movements and I had a blood test, although they said the results wouldn't be accurate as I hadn't fasted. On May 7th I went back for more monitoring and tests, then again on May 12th where I was finally diagnosed with ICP and started on medication. Back on the 15th for more monitoring and tests (this would happen every Tuesday and Friday for the rest of the pregnancy). If my levels were improving with the medication and his movements were all good then they would keep him in as long as possible, otherwise they would induce me at 37 weeks.
6 days after being diagnosed, I went into labour.

Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy occurs in 1 out of 200 women and 1 out of those 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth. It is a serious condition that unfortunately many doctors are not aware of. Luckily I trusted my instincts and went and got a second opinion, otherwise Z may not be alive today.

Friday, 3 July 2015

more things I'm remembering...

G told me his password to get into his phone. I never abused the privilege. I never had a password for my phone or tablet until L got a bit older and wanted to play with them. G never noticed I had a password and I didn't tell him; if he had needed either my phone or tablet for something then I would have told him what it was.

When we split up for the first time (although it was really a break, not a break up - we were trying to work things out) I noticed him putting his password into his phone... and it was different. I didn't mention anything straight away and I didn't think to be suspicious, I was just more curious. Then one day I just casually came out with "did you change your password?" His answer was no. I replied "I can see you're putting it in different". His answer? "It's not different, it's just backwards."
WHICH MEANS IT IS DIFFERENT. DUH!

Fast forward a few months, we're back living together but a couple of days away from him kicking me out. He brings up the topic of his changed password and why he changed it - because staying at his mate's place he was watching/downloading a lot of porn. Hmmm... but that doesn't bother me and he knows that. And I wouldn't have been going through his phone looking for videos anyway, I would only need to use it to make a phone call or check something on the Internet if my own phone was playing up. So when I think about it now, he was obviously up to no good - probably texting his now girlfriend - I don't believe the porn story for a second.

Anyway, a couple of days before he kicked me out, he went through the Facebook messages on my old phone that didn't have a password on it - obviously I have nothing to hide as I left it out in the lounge room, because I thought I could trust him. He came to bed upset, I could tell he was crying so I asked him what was wrong and why was he crying, but he didn't answer me. I rubbed his back for a minute then rolled over and went to sleep - I was tired and would have to get up in the middle of the night with L. I had tried to find out what was wrong but he wouldn't speak to me. The next night when he did tell me, he said that he was having a breakdown and I showed how much I didn't care about him cos I just went to sleep! Then he admitted he had gone through the Facebook messages on my phone and read what I'd written to one of my good friends about him. The reason he did this was because he'd noticed that whenever he came near me, I'd close down whatever it was that I was looking at like I was hiding something. Well, it wasn't Facebook messages I was closing down - I'm in a Facebook support group for mums that had babies around the same time L was born and I didn't want him to see the pictures or read what the other mums were posting. So he read these messages and didn't like what he read and asked me how I felt about him reading them. I said it didn't bother me, they were my feelings about how he was treating me. He said he wasn't proud of going through my phone, but he couldn't promise he wouldn't do it again.  Of course I ended up putting a password on that phone too and sure enough on the Saturday when he kicked me out he had tried to go through my phone again but found he couldn't. The guy I had been messaging was my friend of 13 years, married with a beautiful little girl and he would be coming to L's birthday party in a week so I think G was embarrassed that he would have to see him and that his family would be around my family and my family might say something to them about what was going on and he didn't want to have to deal with that as he doesn't tell his family anything - well anything but lies apparently.


Wednesday, 1 July 2015

L & Z updates

L had her 18 month (corrected) development assessment last week. She is 10.9kg and 81cm tall - that's half my height! She is behind in gross motor skills BUT after the appointment where she climbed on a chair and sat down, she's been trying to climb things around the house AND she's taken her first unassisted steps! Mum found an old pair of my toddler shoes and put them on her and the next thing I know she's standing up and taking steps. I call them "magic shoes".
I totally forgot about her physio appointment on the 23rd - baby brain made me think it was 23rd of July not June - so Ive re-booked for 17th July and hopefully that's given her feet more time to correct themselves. I think the shoes have definitely helped with that as she no longer tries to stand up using the instep. She is teething at the moment too and is a little bit sooky at times. She won't let me see in her mouth though to count how many teeth she actually has. I think I've seen 11 but I'm not sure.

Z is 6 weeks and 2 days old and starting to get a bit of chub on his legs. He's suffering from a bit of wind at the moment, no matter how many burps he does and is taking a lot longer than he used to to fall asleep, even using the Baby Shusher. He constantly struggles/grunts to get his arms unwrapped so I'm going to have to look at getting a swaddle so his arms are up but contained.

I haven't heard anything from G for a long time. Seems too busy taking selfies with his Queen so he's obviously in her good books again and the dog house didn't last for too long. I've contacted Child Support about adding Z and also changed from having a private agreement to getting them to collect for me - not that it will mean I will get any money as he has to put it into a bank account and then they transfer it to me. But at least they will keep a record of what hasn't been paid and it will all add up. So far it's only $34 a month for L and nothing yet for Z as his paternity has to be confirmed. Thirty-four dollars a month. How pathetic. Works out to just over a $1 a day, which doesn't even cover the cost of nappies. He has been notified by the Child Support Agency of the change but he hasn't contacted me about it which I thought he would. We have our next mediation on the 13th so we'll see what happens then. At least I don't have to go into the office as I'm doing my part over the phone. I need to think about what I feel comfortable to agree to with L's visits with G for the foreseeable future - I think I'll just stick with 3 hours every 2nd Saturday at his parent's house, with no taking her anywhere (there's really no need to take her to the shops or anywhere else) and his Queen and her kids aren't allowed to be there - not that I'll know if that happens or not anyway. I would love to send her with a hidden camera. He's such a liar that I don't believe anything he says.
As for Z - well I don't know what I'm going to do there. I guess until G can pay for the paternity test, then he won't be seeing him. I don't know why I would say he's the Dad if he isn't. I have no reason to lie about something like that. He didn't think L was his either. I hope he felt like a dick for ever questioning it when he found out she was.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

the amount of fucks I don't give

G has found out about Z, not from receiving the birth registration but because I made a few posts on Facebook visible to people he knew and word got back to him as I knew it would. He rang my house phone, he rang my Mum's mobile, he rang my Dad's mobile. Finally my Mum sent him a text giving him my "special" number that I got especially for him to contact me on, so I don't get panic attacks every time I receive a call or text on my normal number thinking it may be him. I can turn this phone off and on as I choose.


The first text I got: "Hi it's G. How are you? So, is it true?"

Is what true G? That you're a lying jerkface? Yes that's true.

I sent back a nice reply along the lines of yes it's true, we created a perfect baby boy, born the day before your birthday, looks just like you and your brother when you were younger.

He's being nice back, playing on my emotional side,  but I see right through him. I know as soon as I say something he doesn't agree with he will turn nasty and threatening.

It's changed a lot for you has it? Oh, it hasn't changed anything for me at all. You kicked us out and got together with someone else pretty much straight away and then I found out I was pregnant again, now I have a 5 week old and a 20 month old but MY LIFE HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL? You miss out on bonding with our newborn son because of the choices you made. It's not like you can come into my house and bath him or feed him overnight and I'm not sitting around in your living room while you cuddle him for an hour.

I asked if he wanted to do a paternity test as he was not going to be getting one done behind my back like he did with L. He said he would order another internet cheapy.... ummm, no. We can get a proper one done and he can pay the full amount.
Our relationship was never the same after I kicked him out of the house I paid for as he didn't even try to make things work. Oh, he said the words and sent the texts that things would be better when his girls were back together and he made promises that he would look after us. All lies. He is talking about the house being a financial mistake for him - hahaha, he made 2 mortgage repayments, while I invested $140,000. Who really made the financial mistake?
Now I know the reason I haven't been receiving any child support then. Obviously told the mediator a lie when he said he knew he was "3 weeks behind and had I changed my bank details?" Stupid of me to believe he would honour our private agreement like he does with his ex wife. Pretty sure she would still be receiving her money though, wouldn't want to piss her off! And he's probably still able to buy cigarettes, drugs and alcohol and toys for his son every weekend.

When my Mum dropped L off for her last visit, a man answered the door and he said he was house sitting while G's parents were away. If G was actually living there, then why was someone else house sitting? But G says he's "living" there but "house sitting".... Do you house sit the place where you live?

Does the think I really care if he's in the dog house with his girlfriend? Not my problem! He must have lied to her in the beginning and told her that we hadn't been having sex. Why should she have a problem anyway? G and I were in a relationship at the time of conception, it's not like he cheated on her with me. She is also best friends with his ex wife, but him creating a baby with me while we were in a relationship and living together is wrong?

The change is still coming? What does he even mean by that?

I'm not stopping mediation when he was the one who initiated it in the first place. Plus it helps to have the parenting plan in place that someone else knows about so it protects me a little bit in case he does anything dodgy. It's not a legal document but at least it's something.

All I got out of the whole conversation was "boo hoo, poor me, I have no money and my girlfriend is pissed off with me and this is all about me and my feelings." Am I meant to feel sorry for him? Because I don't. I feel sorry for my babies that they have such a pathetic man for a father. I feel sorry that I have to send my little girl to see him for a few hours and she must be really confused as to why she is there, playing with this strange heavily-bearded man that calls himself Dad. The things he says are just so stupid - he got excited last weekend thinking L had done a poo, because he hasn't changed her poo nappy for so long! Maybe I should text him next time she does one so he can come over and change it? He misses out on doing those things because he CHOSE to just throw it all away.  He didn't fight for his family like he said he would, he cared more about himself and he still does. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Let's see what bullshit he comes up with today...

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

#MicroblogMonday

I finally sent off Z's birth registration over the weekend. Now my heart thumps in my chest every day, waiting for an abusive phone call or Facebook message. Waiting for the horrible things that are no doubt going to be said about me. Scared about what will happen at L's next visit - will he refuse to give her back? Hoping that he denies being the father, but I know that he won't - he'll obviously want a paternity test done which is fine. At least this time he won't be doing it behind my back. Just looking at Z you can clearly tell, unlike L who has always looked very much like me.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Mr Z - 3 weeks

Mr Z spent 10 days in Special Care before I could take him home. He wasn't hooked up to monitors like his sister was. His only issue was feeding - he had to learn how to suck - and he had a bit of reflux. One morning, I went in to give him a bottle and he pulled out his feeding tube while I was changing his nappy. When I went back in the afternoon, they still hadn't put the tube back in and he had been doing really well with the bottle. The tube stayed out and he was allowed to go home 2 days later, even though he hadn't yet made it back to his birth weight.

The second time around has been much easier for me. I'm not as anxious and stressed as I was when L came home - which could also be because I don't have someone constantly insinuating that what I'm doing is wrong. I'm relaxed and happy. I don't need any help during the night feeds or getting him back to sleep. Changing his nappy is a bit of a challenge considering there is nothing to him and the newborn nappies are so big that the leg holes seem to gape and we've had a few outfit changes due to leakage. And then there's his little fire hose, trying to make sure it's covered while he's squirming around so he doesn't get either himself or me in the face, while also trying to keep his little feet out of his poo.

L doesn't seem too fussed by him. She did wake up crying a couple of times in the middle of the night when he was crying while getting his nappy changed, but we've sorted that out now and change him in the walk-in-robe where it's more sound proofed.
I haven't been able to lift her due to having a csection, so either my Mum or Dad always has to be around to put her in her highchair, put her to bed or move her away from a drawer or cupboard she shouldn't be playing in. She's grown up so much in the last 3 weeks - she can stand up and reach things that were once out of her reach and she's getting into everything!

Mr Z is a great baby. He is drinking his bottles well and sleeps between 4-6 hours at a time. At his 2 week check up he weighed 3kgs but that was with his nappy and clothes on so not entirely accurate.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

the mother of all headaches

Post-dural-puncture headache. Have you ever heard of it? I hadn't.

I knew that having an epidural can slow down labour. I knew that having an epidural can increase your chances of having a caesarean. I've heard of the chance of becoming permanently paralysed.
But I didn't know anything about the severe pains in the head/neck/back that occur in 1 out of 100 epidurals in Australia, when the needle has been inserted too far and punctures the spinal cord, allowing the spinal fluid to leak out.

These "headaches" can last 7-10 days and will usually go away by drinking a lot of caffeine and taking pain killers. I love caffeine!

So I had Mr Z on Monday morning and spent the rest of the day laying down. I had a slight headache and a bit of neck pain when I sat up to eat. On Tuesday, I was able to get up and have a shower. Thankfully I had no tummy pain after the caesarean and wasn't even on regular Oxy like I was after having Miss L (that drug is GREAT for the pain, but not so great when it wears off and your body is withdrawing from it.) I was able to be wheeled down to see my baby but I was in excruciating pain - my head felt like it was going to explode and the back of my neck was worse. The only thing that offered relief was to lay down. I was planning on breast feeding Mr Z and we had one little try which he seemed to enjoy and the midwives hand expressed me a couple of times but then wanted me to use the machine. There was no way I could get out of bed and pump for 20 mins on each side while my head was in agony, so I made the decision to formula feed.

By Wednesday morning, my head was feeling OK, although I hadn't been moving around much except to go to the toilet. They decided they would discharge me and I was happy to be able to go home and sleep in my own bed and spend time with my little girl. I had a prescription for Panadeine Forte and thought I would be fine. But all I could do was lay down. If I was up for more than 5 minutes I was just in so much pain. I had to sit with my head tilted backwards to ease the pressure a little bit. The Panadeine Forte was not helping at all. All the caffeine in the world would not have made a difference. I rang the hospital and said I'd be back in the morning for a procedure called a blood patch. They take blood from your arm and insert it back into your spine where the epidural went in, then you lay down for a couple of hours and the pain should be gone. Of course there is also a risk that they push the needle in too far again. I went back into the hospital on Thursday morning but they didn't want to do the blood patch right away - they wanted me on stronger pain killers and see how I was in the morning. I didn't sleep very well at all that night and just as a did manage to drift off at 3am, a loud midwife burst into my room literally yelling at me to wake up and feed my baby! I had already told the midwife in the nursery that I would not be able to go down there and it should have been in his file that he was formula fed. They'd never contacted me any other time he was due for a bottle except the times when he was able to come to my room.

This time, the pain wasn't even going away when I was laying down. And they weren't even giving me the stronger pain relief that I was written up for - only Panadol and Nurofen. When the anesthesiologist finally came to see me, I cried when they told me I could finally have the blood patch done. I just wanted to get better and be able to spend time with my babies. They gave me the strong pain killers and I was able to sleep before I went in for the procedure at around 11am. I then spent an hour in recovery because my blood pressure was really high. When I was taken back to my room, I spent the next 4 hours laying down and every 2 hours my bed head was raised a bit until I was sitting up. At around 6pm, I felt well enough to get out of bed - and the pain was gone! I was even able to walk to the Special Care Nursery for the very first time and give my man a bottle and cuddles and walk back to my room again. They said I could go home any time that night or tomorrow morning, it was my call. So I decided to go home. I felt so happy that the pain was over and I felt human again.

If I hadn't had the epidural, my labour would have probably been longer but Mr Z might not have gone into distress and I may have been able to push him out. Then again, it could have still resulted in a c-section and I would have had to be knocked out and not seen him in those first few minutes of life. I will never know.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

I had a baby!

Meet Mr Z! Born 18th May 2015 @ 6:10am, weighing 5lb 9½ oz.

On Sunday 17th May at about 4:30pm, I started to feel a bit funny - nauseous and light headed. Then I felt a pain and a pressure like I needed to poop. 36 weeks pregnant - was this Braxton Hicks? I'd only made it to 32 weeks before, so was in unfamiliar territory and decided to call the Women's Assessment Unit and ask to come in and be checked. Most people would be told to take painkillers and see what happens, but because of my previous history with placental abruption and premature birth I wasn't going to accept that as an answer and luckily they told me to come in. I had my Dad on standby to come over and look after Miss L so told him yep he was definitely needed, Mum did her bedtime routine and we left when she had fallen asleep.

They attached me to the monitors and could tell I was having contractions. The doctor come and did a swab test for infection, then came back to check my cervix and found I was 3cm dilated! So I got taken to Labour & Delivery. The midwife there wasn't very nice and basically told me I wasn't in labour, she gave me pain relief tablets and a big jug of water and told me to drink it quickly and my contractions would stop. Well they didn't stop, they got a bit further apart but were more intense. She then gave me pethidine and again that did absolutely nothing for the pain. I wanted an epidural but I wasn't allowed to be checked again until 4am to see how dilated I was - which was another 4 hours away. Finally 4 o'clock came and I was 6cm! YAY! Epidural time! First my water had to be broken, which was the funniest feeling and I couldn't stop laughing. By 5 o'clock, I was getting the epidural - I could feel it working straight away, my feet went numb. Apparently this wasn't a good sign. It meant that the needle had gone too far into my spine and that spinal fluid would be leak out which would cause head pain worse than a migraine. Awesome! (More about that in another post).
Things started to go downhill from there. Instead of slowing things down, I dilated very quickly and was soon at 9.5cms. Little Mister became distressed, so they started prepping me for an emergency section. They were hoping when we got into theatre that I would be fully dilated and be able to push him out, but then his heart rate dropped and they had to get him out. Because I'd had the epi at least I was awake this time and saw him moments after he was delivered (unlike with Miss L where I was knocked out and it was hours before I got to see her for the first time.) Apparently my placenta was abrupting again and my previous uterus wound was opening. I am no longer able to try and have a vaginal birth - but that's OK as I'm done having babies, it's obviously too dangerous for the both of us.

Next up - my recovery and an update on Mr Z.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

woah! serious need for an update!

It's been a while! I have so much to tell you.... are you ready?

I'll start from most recently and work my way backwards.

Stay tuned! :)
xx

Saturday, 18 April 2015

letting my little girl go

L is 18 months old today. One and a half years. I can hardly believe it, she's growing up way too fast. In less than 2 months she will be a big sister. Today is also the first day she's spending some time with her Daddy, without me or her Nanna or Gramps with her. Only for an hour and a half, but still such a huge deal. On one hand I hope she isn't too uncomfortable and understands what is going on and that we are not abandoning her. On the other hand, I hope she doesn't enjoy herself and gets upset.

Our new agreement is for 6 visits every second weekend, to take place at his parents house (supposedly where he is living, but I highly doubt that). The first 2 visits will be for 1.5 hours, the third and fourth visits for 2 hours, the fifth visit for 2.5 hours with the sixth visit for 3 hours. G wanted 3 hour visits for the second visit onwards but I of course said no to that. That would give him time to leave the house and take her wherever he wants and that's not where we are at yet.

Today I am also 32 weeks pregnant - the gestation that L was ready to come into the world. I am relieved that Little Mister has decided he wants to stay in his womb room, although I really wish he would quit giving me heartburn - at this rate I think I will end up giving birth to a monkey.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

advice from the laundry pile: on sleeping

Welcome to the first part of this series - Advice From The Laundry Pile. Each week or so, I will post my thoughts and experiences on topics such as sleeping, feeding, starting solids, etc. Please keep in mind that I'm not an expert or a medical professional, just an ordinary Mum who even after nearly a year and a half is STILL learning every day.

There's always conflicting information on everything to do with a baby. Every book, internet article or person will tell you something different and it can be extremely confusing as to what is right.

You know what is right? The things that you are probably already doing, even though you may not feel like they are.

My first piece of advice would be to keep an open mind when reading all those books or internet articles. Take away from each one the things that you feel comfortable with doing and if something doesn't work (after a period of time), then try something else. Don't see it as being a failure, it's all a learning experience. Not only for you but your baby as well. Remember that no two days are the same,  just as no two babies are the same.

The first topic I'm going to write about is sleeping. Ahhh, lovely, delicious sleep. Unfortunately most babies don't see it that way. They do sleep a lot for the first couple of months, but never for long periods of time (unless you got the jackpot and then you'll be worried if you should wake the baby to feed them). Most newborns will wake every 2-3 hours to be fed. Some poor darlings will have severe reflux or colic making them scream a lot instead of sleep. As they get a bit older, they wake up because they're hot. They wake up because they're cold. They wake up because you've left the room. They're not comfortable. Their arms woke them up because they've struggled out of their wrap and now they're flailing around.

After nearly 18 months, I've worked out there's really no rhyme or reason to their sleep. We spent HOURS for MONTHS getting L to sleep and she wouldn't sleep anywhere but her pram. We'd push that thing up and down the hallway, swaying it from side to side, over the rug to create a bumping motion, slow and fast. She would look like she was asleep and as soon as the movement stopped - BAM! - eyes open looking at us like "ummm, why did you stop?" At least after she was asleep, she stayed asleep. Then it was definitely time to transfer her back into her cot. Hours of patting and shhhing and singing. She'd sit up and cry and wouldn't lay back down. She'd lay down and look like she was drifting off, only to sit up and cry some more. But again, once she was finally asleep she stayed asleep.

I could not get her to take day naps though. No matter how tired she was, she just would not sleep in the cot during the day. Just over a week ago, I said "right, you sit here and play and Mummy will lay on the lounge and have a nap herself". I could hear her messing around over by her fold out couch. She was laying down, sitting up, laying down, moving around. Then silence. I didn't dare look at her in case I interrupted whatever she was doing, but I could see her reflection in her little mirror on the floor and she was laying on her tummy very still. She was that tired she passed out for the very first time, half on-half off her couch, clutching her bunny.


So, you know what we did? We put this couch into her cot! We now give her big kisses, tell her we love her and hope she has a great sleep and we'll see her in the morning. Then we leave the room. She may cry on and off for a few minutes but she's not distressed (if she was hysterical we would go back in there to comfort her) and within 10 minutes she is asleep! My little girl is growing up! My Mum and I look at each other in amazement - how easy is this?! How silly have we been with all this patting and singing and pram pushing for hours? But I know that we had to do all that to lead up to this. She is ready now. She is comfortable. She is understanding a lot more. She now sleeps a good 12-14 hours EVERY NIGHT.

I guess my advice is - it doesn't happen over night, but it does eventually happen. Don't stress too much over it and enjoy those late night baby snuggles while you can, even if your eyes are burning and you live on coffee all day to stay awake. They're only babies for a short period of time... and then they grow into independent little people.

In just over 2 months I will have another baby and go back to getting up every 2-3 hours haha!

Thursday, 2 April 2015

pffft milestones

I've never followed along with the milestones charts, because I believe that babies develop at their own pace and do/learn things when they want to. Same as the Wonder Weeks app - people swear by it. Want to know why your baby is cranky and hard to settle? Check the app and they're currently in a "leap".  That explains it all. As it is based on the due date not the actual birth date, I created one for both anyway and whenever I've checked the app during the most fussy times, neither have shown that L was in or anywhere near a leap.

Well today I thought it might be interesting to check out the milestones according to Kidspot and see how behind/advanced L is, going by 15 months corrected age and 17 months actual age.

Most toddlers can:
15 months
Toddle well - not yet
Say up to five words - she can say Mum, Nanna, baa, moo, bubble, ball, bowl and is learning neigh
Look at books and turn pages - books are one of her favourite things and yes she can turn the pages
Laugh at funny things - she even does things she knows are funny that make us laugh

17 months
Start to climb and explore - no climbing but there is exploring
Respond to simple directions - she can when she wants to, ie "go and get your hat"
Enjoy certain games - she loves racing her Gramps to lay with her dollies, throwing balls out of her ball house
Play with ride-on toys - first it was pushing them around on her knees, then it was riding them pushing backwards, now she can go forwards

Some toddlers will probably be able to:
15 months
Walk well or run - no walking or running
Draw lines - I haven't tried this one yet
Say no and shake head - she doesn't say no, but she certainly shakes her head to say no
Sing songs - sometimes it sounds like she's singing making "la la la" noises
Follow simple directions - yes (as above)

17 months
Say up to 10 or 15 words - not quite (as above)
Become picky about certain foods - thankfully no! She loves all food at the moment
Experience less separation anxiety - she's never had separation anxiety
Run well - no running
Use certain words regularly - BOWL! It's her favourite word, every time we pull one out the cupboard

Some toddlers will possibly be able to:
15 months
Walk up stairs - we have no stairs and she's not walking yet
Want to help around the house - she watches her Nanna do the laundry, she's seen Nanna clean the floor so will grab something (usually my dirty knickers from the washing basket) and rub the floor with them
Walk backwards - not backwards, or forwards, or sideways
Put finger to mouth to say 'shhh' - no
Respond to verbal requests without signals of any type - yes (as above)

17 months
Talk more clearly - the words that she's learned so far are pretty clear
Kick ball in a forward direction - she can't kick but she can definitely throw
Enjoy sorting toys - she loves putting pegs or dominoes in buckets or containers, taking them out and doing it all over again
String more words together to make phrases or put together pairs of words - not yet
Brush teeth with help - she loves brushing her 3 little teeth

According to that, with the exception of toddling/walking, she is doing quite well (as I already knew!) :)


from the laundry pile

Hi, how are you all? Still stopping by even though I am the laziest, boring blog poster EVER?

- G didn't come for his visit on Saturday. I received a message at 10:55pm on Friday (when I would usually be asleep but was still up trying to get L to sleep) saying he had a bit of a cold and would let me know in the morning how he was feeling. As his visit time is 1 o'clock, I stupidly expected to hear from him in the early morning - say, 10 o'clock or at least by 11 - but it wasn't until 11:50 that he let me know he was feeling a little flat, had the sniffles and a sore throat but he would still come over at 3pm when it was a bit warmer if that was okay. Well, no. If you've got a cold you're better off staying at home and not coming into my house spreading your germs. Also, I'm not silly - you've only just woken up and won't be able to make it here by 1pm. The temperature at 3 is not going to be much different to what it was at 1. And as L only woke at at 11, she'd most probably want a nap at 3.
So I told him not to come and said I'd give him another Saturday visit to make up for it, which would just mean changing our mediation appointment to the following week. I thought I was being nice and doing the right thing considering our agreement is for SIX visits and not FIVE. Well, I got back a message saying he understood and respected why I didn't want him over here if he was sick, but that didn't mean anything else had to change. I was the one who made the decision for him not to come otherwise he would still come, so he wasn't going to change the appointment or make up the visit the following week and it would just have to be five visits instead of six. To that I replied "I'm not arguing, fine with me."

- We have FINALLY managed to get L to sleep in her cot again and she sleeps between 10 and 12 hours every night. Nap times are still a struggle though. Yesterday she did not want to nap at all. She was up at 9:30 and by 6:30 she was practically asleep in her high chair. Gave her half a bottle cuddled with her on the lounge and the rest in her cot, thinking she would doze off straight away (but she didn't). She was being very quiet though and not crying or screaming so we left her and checked on her 5 minutes later - she had passed out. That was 7pm and it's now 9:30am and I think I can hear her stirring. That's FOURTEEN AND A HALF HOURS SLEEP!

- On Monday, I went to visit my old workplace with L and my Mum. It's been nearly 2 years since I worked there and it's amazing to realise how much my life has changed in that time (or how much it could still be the same if I didn't get made redundant or had taken on a different role instead of accepting a package). My job was my life for 13 years. I would finish work late, stay up til all hours of the morning and sleep in until the afternoon. Now I'm a Mum of 1.5 kids, up early(ish) in the morning and in bed before 10pm.
It was great to see some of the ladies who weren't there when I last visited and who had never met L before. I will definitely be taking Littler Mister in to visit while he is still a teeny baby.

- I have a 3D ultrasound on Saturday which I'm excited about. Then I have another normal one in a couple of weeks that the hospital organised, to check growth and to see what the placenta is doing. The closer I get to 32 weeks, the more nervous I am that the same thing is going to happen.... and I'm not prepared. With G's visits every Saturday, my Mum washing her hair on Sundays (washing and drying seems to take all day) and me not driving, I haven't been able to go shopping to get the things I need. Fingers crossed he doesn't decide to make an early appearance because MUMMA'S NOT READY YET BABY BOY.

Thursday, 26 March 2015

#MicroblogMonday






So, somehow it happens to be Thursday again and I'm only just writing this post.
There are not enough hours in the day when you have a little one demanding your attention. As soon as I sit down at the computer, she's crawling over to me wanting sultanas, or pointing at random things on the table she can't have or playing with drawing pins (where the eff did they even come from?) She can be fully engrossed in whatever she's doing, as long as I am sitting there watching her. As soon as I want 10 minutes to myself? MUMMY, I WANT YOUR ATTENTION AND I WANT IT NOOOOOW.

I signed up for a free online course on Midwifery that requires me to sit and watch a few videos and answer a few questions, within a specific time-frame. Luckily it's not a proper training course that I actually need to do and even luckier that it's free because I just don't get a chance to do it.

I also apologise to ICLW. I should never have signed up for this month. I have left a total of one comment. Leaving 6 comments a day should be EASY. If L is napping, that's my chance to have a shower - she is now down to only one nap a day, usually in the afternoon. Sometimes I use that time to have a nap myself because the baby in my tummy makes me tired. By the time she goes to sleep at night it is after 9pm and I guzzle down a cup of tea and go to bed.... and think about all the things I want to do. I want to catch up on all your blogs and leave comments. I want to be able to write a blog post and give it my full attention.  I want to get a course module finished. I want to watch a couple of episodes of whatever TV show I'm currently streaming. I want to take a bath.

I don't want to be behind anymore.

With the arrival of Little Mister getting closer and closer, I feel like I am going to be behind on everything forever.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

so what does she do all day?

As part of our mediation agreement, I have to give G a weekly update on L. Which was easy enough for the first week - I wrote a list of her favourite foods, that she got her 3rd tooth on 16th February, that if he noticed any spots it was because she was getting over chicken pox, the fact that she's not yet walking but is starting to show an interest.

The second week there wasn't anything really to report. So I left a note to say that if there was anything specific he wanted to know, just ask. At the last visit, all I wrote was she had had a cold since Sunday, just a runny/snuffly nose and luckily no signs of a cough.
Before he left, he said to my Mum "I just don't know what she does all day or how many bottles she has".

I wonder what he thinks she does all day? She's 17 months old. She obviously does the housework, makes me my lunch, goes shopping for the groceries, gets dinner prepared, does the dishes, tucks me into bed and then goes out to the pub with her friends. Duh.

What she does is eat, sleep (when she wants to), poop (sometimes) and play. Most of the time I am playing with her, teaching her things, reading her books, but she is also very good at keeping herself entertained for a certain period of time. She's not walking so there's not a lot of going to a park and running around and playing on the play equipment. We've been to the playground a couple of times but she is too young to really enjoy anything - put her on the slide and she just has this blank expression on her face as you slide her down. Same with the swing. I don't drive, so we don't go out many places unless I can get my Dad to take us somewhere and that's usually just to the shop. I don't have many friends so there are no visits from anyone - the ones I do have live too far away and are generally at work during the day. We have started going to playgroup but have only been once as the last 2 weeks L's had a cold and I don't want to go and risk other babies getting sick (responsible parent!)

He had no interest in what she did all day when we were living together and I can bet you he doesn't actually give a fig now either. What he really cares about is what I am doing - looking for ways that I'm not doing things correctly (read: "how he thinks things should be done"). So I have written a list from Sunday until his visit this afternoon of what we do during the day, from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to sleep. He will see that no two days are the same, although they follow a very similar pattern. He will scrutinise this list and make unnecessary comments about how she is having a bath too late or perhaps she shouldn't play after her bottle and before bedtime, etc. How such and such goes to bed soooo much earlier than that, how we don't go out often enough (and if we went out everyday, then we'd be going out too much).

If he's trying to find a way to make me look like a bad mother, he won't find any reason that will stand up in court. My daughter is happy, healthy and well loved. I don't put her in harmful situations. I am not under the influence of drugs or alcohol at any time I am with her (or even if I'm not with her for that matter). I provide a stable and comfortable environment for her to live in. That's what matters.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

asking for some ideas

I have become a bit stuck on the whole blogging business. I have thoughts and stories and things all floating around my head, but I'm no writer and sometimes I just don't know where to start. I have a sense of humour which hasn't appeared anywhere in my posts so far. I started this blog as a way to vent about my emotionally abusive relationship and the aftermath, but I want it to be so much more than that. I also don't want to stay anonymous forever - one day I hope to be able to post photos of myself, L and Little Mister.

So I am asking for a little bit of inspiration from anyone who reads this little blog.
What would you like to know about me? What would you like to read me write about?

PLEASE HELP!

:)

Monday, 16 March 2015

#MicroblogMonday



I like to think I'm a little bit of an online super sleuth. You want something found, I'm most likely to find it.

A girl I know wanted a song to add into a slide show. She had heard it on an episode of One Born Every Minute, but didn't know what it was called. She remembered some of the lyrics. I did a search of the lyrics but didn't find a match. I then looked up soundtracks for the show, listened to the tracks on Youtube and found it!

I like to be a bit stalker-ish sometimes too. I used to be Facebook friends with D's sister (D, my ex before G), until we split up and she deleted me. I am still friends with their Mum though so am able to see some of the things that the sister - J - posts and of course anything that she may post as public. Her and her husband purchased a house at the end of 2013 and on her Facebook was a picture of the house that was up on the real estate website. I of course was nosey and wanted to see what the inside of this house looked like and how much it was. So I searched the real estate website for suburbs around where they were currently living and BINGO! Found the house.
I also found her Youtube channel where she vlogged about her first pregnancy (not under her real name, that would have been too easy!) and also a blog she was writing, which was under another alias.

G's Mum was after some bed linen that matched some things she already had, but could no longer buy in Australia. The only place she could find them was in the UK and shipping to Australia was far too expensive. I knew which shop she had purchased the items from and I had seen the colour and style but that was all I had to go on. A quick Google search found the brand they were and another search found an online store in New Zealand where the prices were reasonable and shipping wasn't going to cost an arm and a leg. As she was very hesitant about giving her credit card details online, I bought them for her for Mother's Day.

I think I could have a future career as a Private Investigator ;)
Or perhaps as a Professional Google Searcher?

Saturday, 14 March 2015

the third of six

So, here I am hiding out in the bedroom again for G's weekly visit with L.

Tomorrow would have been our 2nd anniversary. It could have been a very happy day for us. We have one beautiful daughter and a baby son on the way. There is a house being built that was meant for our family to live in. He may have even asked me to marry him. I cannot think about it too much as it just makes me upset and angry.

L is tired. The last couple of days she's decided to only have an afternoon nap. Today, she let my Mum put her down for a morning nap, but she only slept for about 10 minutes so we've been dealing with a grizzly girl. But of course she'll be as good as gold when G is here because there is someone different to play with! (He's just arrived with his Mum and son).
I feel sorry for my Mum who has to make small talk with them and be civil and hospitable. It takes a lot of effort to be nice to someone who you can't stand the sight of and I am very thankful that she is doing this for me.

Ugh. I just want this all to be over.

Friday, 13 March 2015

#MicroblogMonday



How did it get to Thursday already? We had a Public Holiday here on Monday, so to me it felt like it was Sunday. It wasn't until I posted on Tuesday that I realised it was Tuesday and I'd totally missed Monday altogether. And now it is Thursday* (what happened to Wednesday?) but I'm writing a #MicroblogMonday post anyway, even though the linky list is closed.

I had a bizarre dream last night. It involved G. I wish I could remember it all, but the gist of it was he found out I was pregnant and wanted to get back together with me and be a family again. He also didn't like the name I had chosen for Little Mister (of course he didn't). I told him that I had been doing fine on my own and didn't need him to come back into my life and make all the decisions again.

Congratulations to my friend S, who had her little man by emergency c-section today @ 31+4 weeks. She lost her mucus plug early, then had bleeding last week and spent the week in hospital. Then her waters broke - she was having contractions but wasn't dilating, baby was breech and she developed an infection even though she was on antibiotics. She has 2 girls at home who she was missing like crazy and it was stressing her out that she couldn't be with them (little A is only 15 months old!) S, you once said I was your inspiration - now you are mine. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts to you and your impatient little man. Even though we don't love in the same State, I am here for you during your NICU and SCN journey xx

*Posted on Friday as I kept getting distracted.






Tuesday, 10 March 2015

the snot monster

Ugh. We've just dealt with the chicken pox - nearly all the spotty scabs have fallen off - and now L has a cold. Which kind of makes me a bit angry. Why?

Well, we went to playgroup for the first time last Wednesday and it was so much fun. There were more babies there than I expected, although a majority of them are a lot younger than L. All the Mums seemed nice too and I was really looking forward to going back there this week.
None of the babies there appeared to be sick little snot monsters. L started sneezing and had a snuffly/runny nose on Sunday. I doubt she picked it up from there.

I know little ones get sick and in a way it is good for their immune system to be exposed to germs, but I do not like it when they are intentionally brought into my own home.
G came for his visit on Saturday. Now, he spends a lot of time around at least 6 kids - one of them who I know always seems to have a cold (his son). I know this because every weekend when he came to stay with us, he either had a bad cough or a very snotty nose and I caught his germs twice while pregnant with L, which was not fun. I definitely do not want to get that sick during this pregnancy while also having to care for L at the same time.

If he came over knowing that he had been around sick children and could potentially pass it on to L, I will not be a happy Mumma! I find that highly inconsiderate.

Sounds like L has just woken up, so off I go to spend the day cleaning up snot. At least she is a good girl and doesn't mind us wiping her nose. She even attempts to do it herself - with a tissue!