Thursday, 26 March 2015


So, somehow it happens to be Thursday again and I'm only just writing this post.
There are not enough hours in the day when you have a little one demanding your attention. As soon as I sit down at the computer, she's crawling over to me wanting sultanas, or pointing at random things on the table she can't have or playing with drawing pins (where the eff did they even come from?) She can be fully engrossed in whatever she's doing, as long as I am sitting there watching her. As soon as I want 10 minutes to myself? MUMMY, I WANT YOUR ATTENTION AND I WANT IT NOOOOOW.

I signed up for a free online course on Midwifery that requires me to sit and watch a few videos and answer a few questions, within a specific time-frame. Luckily it's not a proper training course that I actually need to do and even luckier that it's free because I just don't get a chance to do it.

I also apologise to ICLW. I should never have signed up for this month. I have left a total of one comment. Leaving 6 comments a day should be EASY. If L is napping, that's my chance to have a shower - she is now down to only one nap a day, usually in the afternoon. Sometimes I use that time to have a nap myself because the baby in my tummy makes me tired. By the time she goes to sleep at night it is after 9pm and I guzzle down a cup of tea and go to bed.... and think about all the things I want to do. I want to catch up on all your blogs and leave comments. I want to be able to write a blog post and give it my full attention.  I want to get a course module finished. I want to watch a couple of episodes of whatever TV show I'm currently streaming. I want to take a bath.

I don't want to be behind anymore.

With the arrival of Little Mister getting closer and closer, I feel like I am going to be behind on everything forever.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

so what does she do all day?

As part of our mediation agreement, I have to give G a weekly update on L. Which was easy enough for the first week - I wrote a list of her favourite foods, that she got her 3rd tooth on 16th February, that if he noticed any spots it was because she was getting over chicken pox, the fact that she's not yet walking but is starting to show an interest.

The second week there wasn't anything really to report. So I left a note to say that if there was anything specific he wanted to know, just ask. At the last visit, all I wrote was she had had a cold since Sunday, just a runny/snuffly nose and luckily no signs of a cough.
Before he left, he said to my Mum "I just don't know what she does all day or how many bottles she has".

I wonder what he thinks she does all day? She's 17 months old. She obviously does the housework, makes me my lunch, goes shopping for the groceries, gets dinner prepared, does the dishes, tucks me into bed and then goes out to the pub with her friends. Duh.

What she does is eat, sleep (when she wants to), poop (sometimes) and play. Most of the time I am playing with her, teaching her things, reading her books, but she is also very good at keeping herself entertained for a certain period of time. She's not walking so there's not a lot of going to a park and running around and playing on the play equipment. We've been to the playground a couple of times but she is too young to really enjoy anything - put her on the slide and she just has this blank expression on her face as you slide her down. Same with the swing. I don't drive, so we don't go out many places unless I can get my Dad to take us somewhere and that's usually just to the shop. I don't have many friends so there are no visits from anyone - the ones I do have live too far away and are generally at work during the day. We have started going to playgroup but have only been once as the last 2 weeks L's had a cold and I don't want to go and risk other babies getting sick (responsible parent!)

He had no interest in what she did all day when we were living together and I can bet you he doesn't actually give a fig now either. What he really cares about is what I am doing - looking for ways that I'm not doing things correctly (read: "how he thinks things should be done"). So I have written a list from Sunday until his visit this afternoon of what we do during the day, from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to sleep. He will see that no two days are the same, although they follow a very similar pattern. He will scrutinise this list and make unnecessary comments about how she is having a bath too late or perhaps she shouldn't play after her bottle and before bedtime, etc. How such and such goes to bed soooo much earlier than that, how we don't go out often enough (and if we went out everyday, then we'd be going out too much).

If he's trying to find a way to make me look like a bad mother, he won't find any reason that will stand up in court. My daughter is happy, healthy and well loved. I don't put her in harmful situations. I am not under the influence of drugs or alcohol at any time I am with her (or even if I'm not with her for that matter). I provide a stable and comfortable environment for her to live in. That's what matters.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

asking for some ideas

I have become a bit stuck on the whole blogging business. I have thoughts and stories and things all floating around my head, but I'm no writer and sometimes I just don't know where to start. I have a sense of humour which hasn't appeared anywhere in my posts so far. I started this blog as a way to vent about my emotionally abusive relationship and the aftermath, but I want it to be so much more than that. I also don't want to stay anonymous forever - one day I hope to be able to post photos of myself, L and Little Mister.

So I am asking for a little bit of inspiration from anyone who reads this little blog.
What would you like to know about me? What would you like to read me write about?



Monday, 16 March 2015


I like to think I'm a little bit of an online super sleuth. You want something found, I'm most likely to find it.

A girl I know wanted a song to add into a slide show. She had heard it on an episode of One Born Every Minute, but didn't know what it was called. She remembered some of the lyrics. I did a search of the lyrics but didn't find a match. I then looked up soundtracks for the show, listened to the tracks on Youtube and found it!

I like to be a bit stalker-ish sometimes too. I used to be Facebook friends with D's sister (D, my ex before G), until we split up and she deleted me. I am still friends with their Mum though so am able to see some of the things that the sister - J - posts and of course anything that she may post as public. Her and her husband purchased a house at the end of 2013 and on her Facebook was a picture of the house that was up on the real estate website. I of course was nosey and wanted to see what the inside of this house looked like and how much it was. So I searched the real estate website for suburbs around where they were currently living and BINGO! Found the house.
I also found her Youtube channel where she vlogged about her first pregnancy (not under her real name, that would have been too easy!) and also a blog she was writing, which was under another alias.

G's Mum was after some bed linen that matched some things she already had, but could no longer buy in Australia. The only place she could find them was in the UK and shipping to Australia was far too expensive. I knew which shop she had purchased the items from and I had seen the colour and style but that was all I had to go on. A quick Google search found the brand they were and another search found an online store in New Zealand where the prices were reasonable and shipping wasn't going to cost an arm and a leg. As she was very hesitant about giving her credit card details online, I bought them for her for Mother's Day.

I think I could have a future career as a Private Investigator ;)
Or perhaps as a Professional Google Searcher?

Saturday, 14 March 2015

the third of six

So, here I am hiding out in the bedroom again for G's weekly visit with L.

Tomorrow would have been our 2nd anniversary. It could have been a very happy day for us. We have one beautiful daughter and a baby son on the way. There is a house being built that was meant for our family to live in. He may have even asked me to marry him. I cannot think about it too much as it just makes me upset and angry.

L is tired. The last couple of days she's decided to only have an afternoon nap. Today, she let my Mum put her down for a morning nap, but she only slept for about 10 minutes so we've been dealing with a grizzly girl. But of course she'll be as good as gold when G is here because there is someone different to play with! (He's just arrived with his Mum and son).
I feel sorry for my Mum who has to make small talk with them and be civil and hospitable. It takes a lot of effort to be nice to someone who you can't stand the sight of and I am very thankful that she is doing this for me.

Ugh. I just want this all to be over.

Friday, 13 March 2015


How did it get to Thursday already? We had a Public Holiday here on Monday, so to me it felt like it was Sunday. It wasn't until I posted on Tuesday that I realised it was Tuesday and I'd totally missed Monday altogether. And now it is Thursday* (what happened to Wednesday?) but I'm writing a #MicroblogMonday post anyway, even though the linky list is closed.

I had a bizarre dream last night. It involved G. I wish I could remember it all, but the gist of it was he found out I was pregnant and wanted to get back together with me and be a family again. He also didn't like the name I had chosen for Little Mister (of course he didn't). I told him that I had been doing fine on my own and didn't need him to come back into my life and make all the decisions again.

Congratulations to my friend S, who had her little man by emergency c-section today @ 31+4 weeks. She lost her mucus plug early, then had bleeding last week and spent the week in hospital. Then her waters broke - she was having contractions but wasn't dilating, baby was breech and she developed an infection even though she was on antibiotics. She has 2 girls at home who she was missing like crazy and it was stressing her out that she couldn't be with them (little A is only 15 months old!) S, you once said I was your inspiration - now you are mine. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts to you and your impatient little man. Even though we don't love in the same State, I am here for you during your NICU and SCN journey xx

*Posted on Friday as I kept getting distracted.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

the snot monster

Ugh. We've just dealt with the chicken pox - nearly all the spotty scabs have fallen off - and now L has a cold. Which kind of makes me a bit angry. Why?

Well, we went to playgroup for the first time last Wednesday and it was so much fun. There were more babies there than I expected, although a majority of them are a lot younger than L. All the Mums seemed nice too and I was really looking forward to going back there this week.
None of the babies there appeared to be sick little snot monsters. L started sneezing and had a snuffly/runny nose on Sunday. I doubt she picked it up from there.

I know little ones get sick and in a way it is good for their immune system to be exposed to germs, but I do not like it when they are intentionally brought into my own home.
G came for his visit on Saturday. Now, he spends a lot of time around at least 6 kids - one of them who I know always seems to have a cold (his son). I know this because every weekend when he came to stay with us, he either had a bad cough or a very snotty nose and I caught his germs twice while pregnant with L, which was not fun. I definitely do not want to get that sick during this pregnancy while also having to care for L at the same time.

If he came over knowing that he had been around sick children and could potentially pass it on to L, I will not be a happy Mumma! I find that highly inconsiderate.

Sounds like L has just woken up, so off I go to spend the day cleaning up snot. At least she is a good girl and doesn't mind us wiping her nose. She even attempts to do it herself - with a tissue!

Friday, 6 March 2015

one down out of six

On Saturday, G came over for his first Saturday visit out of the six we agreed to at mediation.
My anxiety was through the roof in the morning, as of course L didn't go down for her nap until 11:45 and if she slept for her normal 1 hour that would mean only 15 minutes to get her up and changed, given lunch and be ready for G to arrive at 1 o'clock. I wanted her to have lunch before he got here as I didn't want her to be too distracted and not eat.
So, my Mum and I made the decision to wake her up and she let us know she wasn't happy about that!

Anyway, he ended up staying for 2½ hours, while I hid down the other end of the house as I don't want to see him - it's hard enough for me just hearing his voice. He doesn't know I am pregnant either and if he saw me, well, it's kind of obvious that I didn't just eat a big lunch.

Miss L was happy enough with him here, but that could also be because my Mum was around too. It's so hard to tell if she is actually comfortable with him because she remembers who he is and feels there is a connection, or if it is because she just thinks "this man is down on the floor playing with me so he must be OK". I mean, she was quite happy playing with my Uncle too when they met for the first time, because he got down to her level and made funny noises and played with her toys. It doesn't mean that she would be comfortable if I left her alone with him for a few hours while I went out, or have him stay with her over night, or take her out anywhere by himself.

This is just so hard. Even after the six weeks, I still don't know if I'll be able to let him take her :(

Monday, 2 March 2015


The weekend has been and gone. They never feel long enough. Not that the week really "ends" once you have children, every day sort of blends into one another and sometimes you actually lose track of what day it really is.

The February ICLW has ended and I feel like I didn't do a very good job of leaving comments every day. I am thankful to those of you who stopped by my little blog and left comments and I truly hope you keep reading regardless of ICLW.

I have caught up with the Kardashians and am now watching 2 Broke Girls. Love, love, LOVE this show. The innuendo! Don't worry, there will never be any spoilers on this blog about any shows, just in case you are behind yourselves.

L and I are hoping to start attending a playgroup on Wednesday morning. I have found one that's close by (and will still be close enough when we move). It will be nice to get out and meet other Mummas and their little ones.

Hope you're having a lovely Monday.