Tuesday, 28 July 2015


At nearly 33 years old, I learned how to dice an onion properly.

I've used Google to look up nearly everything else - how to make jacket potatoes in the microwave, how to make a lump-free white sauce, how to clean an oven with bicarb and vinegar - I don't know why I've never searched for "dicing an onion" before.

Friday, 24 July 2015

proove (sic) it

If you're going to accuse me of something or make statements you wish everyone to believe, at least provide proof. Stop playing the victim, no one is doing anything to you, you are doing it all to yourself. It's really quite pathetic. You're not the father who is not being allowed to see his son, you are the father who refuses to sign paperwork to say he's the father. You're not the father who doesn't get to see his daughter, you are the father who sees his daughter but not under his terms. You don't like it when you don't have control and you're obviously pissed off that I'm not the pushover you thought I would be. Yes I may have anxiety and get nervous in certain situations but I can stand up for what I believe in and will fight for the safety and well-being of my children.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

i should have known then

Hindsight is a bitch.

The first few months of any relationship is usually perfect because you're in the honeymoon period. You're getting to know each other, you're on your best behaviour, you're thoughtful and kind and considerate and showing off your best qualities.

The first 7 months were great except for one argument, which thinking back to it should have been a sign of what was to come.

My dog, K, was very protective of me. If we were having cuddles on the lounge together and G approached me to give me a kiss, K would growl at him as if to say "leave my Mummy alone, this is our time". K understood Mummy had a baby growing in her belly.
G and K got along great. G's own dog was a similar breed although a lot older. K loved it when G got home from work and would throw the ball to him and give him big pats.

One night G and I were in bed and he came out with "K needs to be desexed as he is aggressive. If he bites me I'll kick the shit out of him but if he bites the kids I will kill him."


I spent the night on a mattress on the floor in the spare room. He kept texting me, begging me to come back to bed but I wouldn't. Telling me K was a safety threat to R and the new baby and he wants me to realise how bad it can get, as a responsible dog owner I need to consider this. That I was running from my problems, pushing him away and shutting him out but he wasn't going anywhere - he loved me and he's there for me.

K growled and got snarly at me too and also my Dad - it was his way of telling us to leave him alone. If you're going to keep provoking him, then that's at your own risk. Perhaps teach your son to leave him alone if he was growling - he was old enough to understand. I wouldn't be leaving K alone with the baby at any time. I didn't think it was fair to get his balls chopped off after 5 years, punishing him for something he hadn't done wrong. And my brother's beautiful puppy-girl passed away from complications after being desexed.

Needless to say, I still feel I made the right decision. K was nothing but awesome when L came home. He just wanted to be near her and give her kisses and cuddles but he couldn't get himself close enough. When she got a bit older he just wanted her to pat him but she didn't really have much control of her hands. He didn't care if she was poking him in the eye, he loved the attention from her. It made me sad the day I moved back in with G without K - we couldn't have a dog at the rental place and he had a strong bond with my Dad anyway that I didn't want to break. I haven't seen him for a long time, didn't spend a lot of time with him during my last pregnancy and I love and miss my fur-baby so much :( I hope he knows this.

I should have known then that this would continue - him telling me something in a horrible way, making it sound as if I didn't do this or that then I wasn't a responsible person and I would never forgive myself if something happened, making me feel like shit and then telling me he loved me and I could talk to him and tell him anything.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

if your lips are moving, then you're lying

OMG some people are delusional! They keep making up lies after lies after lies to get sympathy votes. And everybody believes them instead of looking at the FACTS and the PROOF. It's so pathetic that it's hilarious. I honestly will never believe anything that G says ever again.

Apparently his version of the truth is not only did he go to work and work hard, he was also up every night feeding L (while I slept), did all the cooking and cleaning, washed my clothes, while I sat on my arse all day.

Does he forget that my Dad lived with us for a majority of the time we were together? That he was the one who was often up helping me while G snored away? My Mum quite often came and stayed overnight to help with the night feeds in the first few weeks so I could get some sleep as I was absolutely exhausted (or did we just imagine that happened?) And honestly, if he was a supportive partner he should be getting up to help out with the night feeds while I get some sleep and have some bonding time with his daughter. Does he forget that he used to go to bed quite late anyway even if he had work the next day, so what was the point in both of us staying up? If he was still up then he could feed her. Honestly, if I had done every single feed myself he would have complained that he never got to do it. I'm sure I can find Facebook posts from the wee hours of the morning that prove that I wasn't asleep.

As for the cleaning, yes while we rented a house by ourselves for 2 months he did the cleaning. Because he wanted to, he told me he liked cleaning and liked to be kept busy. I had told him in the beginning that I wasn't much of a housewife and even explained to him before we moved back in together not to get shitty if such and such wasn't done, as my main priority at the time was looking after L. I also have the texts to prove that too. One thing I did do were the dishes (unless G cooked, then he would do them as he went). Then he decided he would use the dishwasher, so I made sure that the next day I unloaded it and put everything away. He kept saying "bubby, leave the dishes I'll do them" but I knew if I let him do them it would be something he would use against me later on - which he's done anyway! When Dad was living with us, HE did the dishes every night and G got shitty cos he wasn't able to do them! Dad also did a majority of the vacuuming and we all shared the cooking. G cleaned our ensuite bathroom, because I could never get the shower as clean as him and I just found it awkward to do.

I don't understand the washing my clothes business. He did them ONCE and that was just before I came home from hospital. The only things he washed were his clothes and his son's clothes. I never asked him or told him to wash my clothes or L's clothes EVER.

I guess as a mother I'm not allowed to sleep, not allowed to have time to myself to just sit and read a book, pick my nose, check Facebook. I have to be responsible for looking after the baby 24 hours a day, plus do the dishes, the washing, the cooking AND the cleaning.... all because he actually gets to leave the house to go to work. Never mind the fact that I was the one providing the roof over our heads, not him. Or the fact that I was recovering from 2 surgeries which left me with a bit of postnatal depression because of the way L arrived and the things I missed out on. Then dealing with his emotional abuse on top of that. I was literally on the phone to my Mum crying nearly every single day because of things he did or said. Funny how I'm not crying or upset now after having Z.

These people need to go back to school and learn to read and comprehend what they are reading, instead of twisting things around. I am immature and selfish and not being a respectable mother, I'm a disgusting person and I am denying G from seeing his kids? He gets to see L. It may not be in the way he wants, but he still gets to see her. No he hasn't seen Z yet, but he also hasn't signed any paperwork to say he's the father. He has 5 days left to sign the birth registration, otherwise it will be issued without his name on it. I've told him that he needs to either sign the paperwork, or pay for the DNA test to be done and then sign the paperwork and then we'll discuss when he can meet Z.
No, he will meet him first and then sign the paperwork.
I want the test done so I have to pay for it, or pay for half of it. I was the one who mentioned a test in the first place, so I should organise it. I mentioned getting a test done so he wouldn't do a dodgy one behind my back and because why would he want to meet a baby that he doesn't believe is his? He is the one who has doubts, I am 100% certain he is the father. In the end he is going to look like a fool anyway for delaying it all for so long. Seriously, you want to see him, there are your options. I'm not repeating myself again.

If I love my kids then I will come to my senses and let them see their Dad.

They will end up resenting me.
Don't take my hate out on them.

I'm jealous of their relationship and I'm not over him and want him back.
I'm still hurting because he ended our relationship.

I would not take him back even if he was the last man on earth and he paid me. She can have him and good luck to her! I got over him a loooooong time ago.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

being ripped apart

Went and spoke to my lawyer yesterday to give her an update on everything, so she is prepared in the event that G takes me to court.

I freaked out when the new Parenting Plan arrived as with it was a certificate stating that we both attended mediation and made our best effort but the dispute was not resolved. To my knowledge, the dispute was being resolved, in stages. The lawyer explained it to me but it doesn't really make any sense - she said that it was issued as the mediation had come to an end, that we could still go to mediation in the future but it would be starting from the beginning again.  The mediator did not make me aware of this when I spoke to him and the Parenting Plan states that it is for the "interim" while we both seek legal advice (which isn't written in the previous ones).

He says he wants us to communicate with each other and not do mediation anymore (as he can't afford it - it's only $15!) and then he goes and has a public rant on Facebook about how I'm keeping his kids from him and all he wants to do is be a father to them. And then his girlfriend comments about how I am being selfish and immature and they will love Z unconditionally and really miss his sister and she is in their thoughts everyday. If he wants to be a "father" then maybe he should sign the paperwork he's been sent to say he is Z's father! Again, he says one thing but doesn't do anything to back up what he's said.

It makes me sick, thinking about sending my children to stay with them so they can play happy families, her "mothering" my precious babies like they're her own. Breaks my heart that I will have no way of knowing what goes on while they're there. I was never allowed to mother R, had no say in what he did or anything. I loved him and made sure he was safe, fed and happy but it wasn't my place to bath him or comfort him when he was sick - that was G's job.

Grrrrr, I'm so angry. This is not what I wanted for my babies at all. I'm tired of them calling me immature and selfish and what I'm doing isn't fair to them. What HE is doing isn't fair to them. Can't anyone else see that?

I just want to run away, change our names and get on with our lives.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

nice try, but no

On Monday morning I had another mediation session, this time I did my part over the phone.

When I was first called, the mediator let me know that he was going to put me on speaker and that G was in the room. I said I wasn't comfortable with that and preferred he was in another room. So he went into another room and called me back and I apologised for making his job harder, I just didn't want G to hear me if I got emotional... and the fact that I ramble when I'm nervous and sound like an absolute idiot.

It was a bit annoying that the session wasn't with the lady we'd had for our previous sessions as she knows our situation, so I had to explain a lot of it again - the reason for not telling him about being pregnant etc.

So anyway, he spoke to G first and said "G is asking for alternate weekend visits" and I replied "OK, yep that's what we've been doing, every second Saturday for 3 hours".
"No, he's talking about staying over Friday night through to Sunday afternoon".

Excuse me? How did we go from 3 hours to a whole weekend?
We were building up to that one 3 hour visit, starting at 1 hour and increasing by half an hour. I was too shocked to even ask exactly where he thought she would be staying, if she would be sleeping in a cot or bed, sharing a room or have her own room. Nope, I'm not agreeing to that. More 3 hour visits which can be increased to longer when her routine changes. At the moment she naps from 1:30 and can sleep between 2-4 hours. Her tea time is 5-5:30. Her bed time is 7:30. I'm not making her nap time later to accommodate a longer visit, as that makes her tea time and bed time later. L will decide herself when she no longer wants to have an afternoon nap, same as she decided she no longer wanted a morning nap.

The mediator went back to G and then said yes to the 3 hours but no restrictions. Again, I didn't agree. The same restrictions would be in place as they currently were - L was to stay at G's parents house and his girlfriend and her kids were not to be there. Very surprised when the mediator got back to me and said the session was over and he'd write out the new parenting plan and send it out. G knew that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (again) and to just take what was being offered.

We also discussed Z. Fair enough that G wants to see him, but he has not signed any paperwork to say that he's the father and he didn't confirm with the Child Support Agency that he was the father, has told me he has doubts yet told the mediator he doesn't have doubts and doesn't deny he's the father but wants a paternity test. Even the mediator was a little confused by this.
Information will be sent to us about using the Child Contact Services - a place where I can take Z and then G can spend time with him while he is supervised by someone from the centre. I don't think it's fair to put my Mum in the position of taking Z into his parent's house when she drops L off and then sit there while he has a cuddle. She also doesn't want him in her house again, especially now as we're in the process of moving.

Now I just wait and see what happens next. We were both told to seek legal advice (which I already have). It's not that I am denying him seeing Z, I just need the paperwork signed or the proper paternity test done first and will take him to court to get that done if I have to.

Monday, 6 July 2015

the killer itch

At around 33 weeks pregnant, my arms started to get incredibly itchy. The itch was under the skin and my arms felt like they were burning, but yet they were not red and there was no rash. Calamine lotion did nothing to help, the only relief was from a cold, wet towel draped over them.
I mentioned the itching to the doctor at my antenatal appointment but he dismissed it as being nothing more than my skin stretching.

A few days later (Saturday), with the itching still intense and stopping me from sleeping, I went to the Women's Assessment Unit to get some answers. I knew a little bit about a condition called Cholestasis of pregnancy and believed this is what I had. Typically, the itching occurs on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet but can be anywhere on the body and it gets worse at night.

They put the baby on the monitors to check his movements and I had a blood test, although they said the results wouldn't be accurate as I hadn't fasted. On May 7th I went back for more monitoring and tests, then again on May 12th where I was finally diagnosed with ICP and started on medication. Back on the 15th for more monitoring and tests (this would happen every Tuesday and Friday for the rest of the pregnancy). If my levels were improving with the medication and his movements were all good then they would keep him in as long as possible, otherwise they would induce me at 37 weeks.
6 days after being diagnosed, I went into labour.

Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy occurs in 1 out of 200 women and 1 out of those 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth. It is a serious condition that unfortunately many doctors are not aware of. Luckily I trusted my instincts and went and got a second opinion, otherwise Z may not be alive today.

Friday, 3 July 2015

more things I'm remembering...

G told me his password to get into his phone. I never abused the privilege. I never had a password for my phone or tablet until L got a bit older and wanted to play with them. G never noticed I had a password and I didn't tell him; if he had needed either my phone or tablet for something then I would have told him what it was.

When we split up for the first time (although it was really a break, not a break up - we were trying to work things out) I noticed him putting his password into his phone... and it was different. I didn't mention anything straight away and I didn't think to be suspicious, I was just more curious. Then one day I just casually came out with "did you change your password?" His answer was no. I replied "I can see you're putting it in different". His answer? "It's not different, it's just backwards."

Fast forward a few months, we're back living together but a couple of days away from him kicking me out. He brings up the topic of his changed password and why he changed it - because staying at his mate's place he was watching/downloading a lot of porn. Hmmm... but that doesn't bother me and he knows that. And I wouldn't have been going through his phone looking for videos anyway, I would only need to use it to make a phone call or check something on the Internet if my own phone was playing up. So when I think about it now, he was obviously up to no good - probably texting his now girlfriend - I don't believe the porn story for a second.

Anyway, a couple of days before he kicked me out, he went through the Facebook messages on my old phone that didn't have a password on it - obviously I have nothing to hide as I left it out in the lounge room, because I thought I could trust him. He came to bed upset, I could tell he was crying so I asked him what was wrong and why was he crying, but he didn't answer me. I rubbed his back for a minute then rolled over and went to sleep - I was tired and would have to get up in the middle of the night with L. I had tried to find out what was wrong but he wouldn't speak to me. The next night when he did tell me, he said that he was having a breakdown and I showed how much I didn't care about him cos I just went to sleep! Then he admitted he had gone through the Facebook messages on my phone and read what I'd written to one of my good friends about him. The reason he did this was because he'd noticed that whenever he came near me, I'd close down whatever it was that I was looking at like I was hiding something. Well, it wasn't Facebook messages I was closing down - I'm in a Facebook support group for mums that had babies around the same time L was born and I didn't want him to see the pictures or read what the other mums were posting. So he read these messages and didn't like what he read and asked me how I felt about him reading them. I said it didn't bother me, they were my feelings about how he was treating me. He said he wasn't proud of going through my phone, but he couldn't promise he wouldn't do it again.  Of course I ended up putting a password on that phone too and sure enough on the Saturday when he kicked me out he had tried to go through my phone again but found he couldn't. The guy I had been messaging was my friend of 13 years, married with a beautiful little girl and he would be coming to L's birthday party in a week so I think G was embarrassed that he would have to see him and that his family would be around my family and my family might say something to them about what was going on and he didn't want to have to deal with that as he doesn't tell his family anything - well anything but lies apparently.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

L & Z updates

L had her 18 month (corrected) development assessment last week. She is 10.9kg and 81cm tall - that's half my height! She is behind in gross motor skills BUT after the appointment where she climbed on a chair and sat down, she's been trying to climb things around the house AND she's taken her first unassisted steps! Mum found an old pair of my toddler shoes and put them on her and the next thing I know she's standing up and taking steps. I call them "magic shoes".
I totally forgot about her physio appointment on the 23rd - baby brain made me think it was 23rd of July not June - so Ive re-booked for 17th July and hopefully that's given her feet more time to correct themselves. I think the shoes have definitely helped with that as she no longer tries to stand up using the instep. She is teething at the moment too and is a little bit sooky at times. She won't let me see in her mouth though to count how many teeth she actually has. I think I've seen 11 but I'm not sure.

Z is 6 weeks and 2 days old and starting to get a bit of chub on his legs. He's suffering from a bit of wind at the moment, no matter how many burps he does and is taking a lot longer than he used to to fall asleep, even using the Baby Shusher. He constantly struggles/grunts to get his arms unwrapped so I'm going to have to look at getting a swaddle so his arms are up but contained.

I haven't heard anything from G for a long time. Seems too busy taking selfies with his Queen so he's obviously in her good books again and the dog house didn't last for too long. I've contacted Child Support about adding Z and also changed from having a private agreement to getting them to collect for me - not that it will mean I will get any money as he has to put it into a bank account and then they transfer it to me. But at least they will keep a record of what hasn't been paid and it will all add up. So far it's only $34 a month for L and nothing yet for Z as his paternity has to be confirmed. Thirty-four dollars a month. How pathetic. Works out to just over a $1 a day, which doesn't even cover the cost of nappies. He has been notified by the Child Support Agency of the change but he hasn't contacted me about it which I thought he would. We have our next mediation on the 13th so we'll see what happens then. At least I don't have to go into the office as I'm doing my part over the phone. I need to think about what I feel comfortable to agree to with L's visits with G for the foreseeable future - I think I'll just stick with 3 hours every 2nd Saturday at his parent's house, with no taking her anywhere (there's really no need to take her to the shops or anywhere else) and his Queen and her kids aren't allowed to be there - not that I'll know if that happens or not anyway. I would love to send her with a hidden camera. He's such a liar that I don't believe anything he says.
As for Z - well I don't know what I'm going to do there. I guess until G can pay for the paternity test, then he won't be seeing him. I don't know why I would say he's the Dad if he isn't. I have no reason to lie about something like that. He didn't think L was his either. I hope he felt like a dick for ever questioning it when he found out she was.