All The Dirty Laundry

For as long as I can remember, I'd wanted to have a baby. I'd never had a proper serious relationship and at nearly 30, I felt my chances slowly slipping away. I had been working at my current job since I was 17, the hours not really conducive for having much of a social life, even though I didn't have much of one beforehand.

I was briefly pregnant at 16, but by the time I found out, it didn't matter anyway as it was ectopic.

I met D when I was 29. He didn't have much experience with either girls or relationships. He was shy, well spoken, had a sense of humour and was good looking in his own way. I was definitely attracted and, bolstered by alcohol, I made my move. If I had waited for him, we would never have happened.

I paid for an overseas holiday for us for his birthday. He ended up getting a stomach bug on the second day and we spent the rest of the holiday in our villa, with me doing my best to look after him.

Sex between us wasn't fantastic. He was never really interested and when we did do it, he would sweat profusely and run out of breath quickly and I would try to comfort him and say it was OK. He was trying to lose weight, but loved going to the bakery too much. He was trying to save money, but loved going to the bakery too much, or too many take away coffees, or too many parking fines because he could never get up early enough to get a proper park before catching the bus.

He knew how much I wanted a baby. I made no secret about that fact. It didn't exactly scare him off, but he was in no rush. He was in a band, which was very important to him and he loved computer games. So much, in fact, that I wouldn't hear from him for ages and at 8 o'clock would get a text asking if I wanted dinner cos he hadn't eaten yet... Even knowing that I ate dinner at 5:30.

When his sister fell pregnant, I was a bit hurt. I didn't think it was very fair. Just before my 30th birthday she had a 3D ultrasound and invited D along. I didn't think it was right that he would go to something so special like that, a moment he should be having for the first time to see HIS baby and not his sister's. If we were ever to have a baby together, it would ruin the experience for me. I told him so and how hurt I would be if I found out he went. Of course he didn't tell me, I found out by seeing pictures on Facebook. I can't tell you how devastated I was. I felt betrayed.

We stayed together, had my 30th birthday, had our 1 year anniversary but we were more like friends than lovers. I became stressed and started getting severe pain in my neck which kept me off work for some time. This was around Christmas. I managed to go to my brother's on Christmas Eve for our family dinner but I was in so much pain the whole time that I just wanted to cry. I couldn't take my pain medication because that just made me fall asleep and once I took it I needed to lay down. Obviously I was in no shape to spend Christmas Day having lunch with his family. I would have felt uncomfortable enough as it was without having the added neck pain. Or sitting there out of it on painkillers. I spent the day at home in bed.

Then it was New Years Eve. All I felt comfortable doing was laying down. I had spent so much time laying on the lounge watching tennis, that my Mum decided I needed a change of scenery... So I went to her house to lay on her lounge watching tennis (lol). I hardly heard from D, not even a text to ask how I was feeling. Although, my phone didn't have the best coverage at my Mum's. He was coming over to spend the night at my house and I told him I'd let him know when I was home again.

It wasn't until later that night, perhaps around 8 o'clock, that I decided I was ready to go home. D was already there, had poured himself quite a strong drink and was half the way through it. He wasn't much of a drinker, so I sort of already knew that this was going to end badly. I was hoping for a quiet night with my man but that was not to be. He took no notice of the pain I was in and instead of sitting next to me on the lounge, would sit virtually on top of me. He touched my neck in a not so gentle way. He was told to sit down with his drink as he was stumbling around everywhere holding it. He didn't listen to anything. He yelled at my dog. He yelled at my Dad when he told him to settle down and show some consideration. I told him to go to bed. He proceeded to headbutt my bedroom door, crying and carrying on. I screamed at him "what the fuck are you doing?!" I finally got him to lay down on the bed, but there was no chance I was sleeping in that bed next to him. Then he argued that he would sleep on the lounge instead of me. But no, I let him have the comfy bed which was closer to the toilet, because even though I was upset and in pain, I was still thoughtful. He was lucky I didn't just call him a taxi and send him home.

I didn't get much sleep. The next day when he finally woke up, I didn't even look at him or speak to him. Dad checked he was OK to drive and he left.

I never received a proper apology. I tried to explain my feelings about his actions but it was like he didn't really comprehend.
We stayed together for a few more weeks and in that time I was told my whole department was being made redundant. After 13 years, I was going to be out of a job. I had been hoping to use my long service leave as extra maternity leave one day. I texted D to tell him and his response was "you'll get another job". No support, no sympathy, no compassion. Basically just a pat on the back and a "there there dear".

All that lead me to see a psychologist and go back on antidepressants. D and I broke up. I packed up everything he ever gave me and left it on my front porch for him to collect. I watched him as he loaded it all into his car and I wasn't going to, but I went out there and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye.

The psychologist asked me to make up a vision board of what I wanted in my life. Considering I wanted a baby, she suggested pictures of ovaries and babies and everything to do with creating them. I purchased the cardboard and that's as far as I got, as I met G and fell pregnant straight away.