Monday, 5 January 2015

I loved you. I still love you. Even though you broke my heart and smashed my dreams into a billion pieces.

You came into my life like Prince Charming and swept me off my feet. It felt too good to be true, but I was happy - WE were happy up on Cloud 9, everything finally falling into place. You were The One, my Happy Ever After... We didn't take things slowly, in fact we went as fast as we could possibly go because it's what we both wanted and we didn't want to wait. You knew all my anxieties and insecurities and made promises that took them all away. You came into my life when I needed you the most.

We created a tiny miracle, you and I. I was thrilled and you said you were too, even though you didn't seem to show it in the way I needed you to. When she arrived, it was a difficult time and not what we expected but I felt so in love with you at that moment and the way you cared for us that I wanted to ask you to marry me, even though I really wanted you to ask me. But you were still legally married to someone else and that bothered me which you knew but didn't seem in a hurry to do anything about.

Everything changed when our miracle was finally allowed to come home. My feelings didn't seem to matter anymore. I was exhausted and scared just like any new mother would be. I was still recovering physically and emotionally with what happened for her to arrive into this world. I turned to my Facebook support group to cope with it. I had financial worries always on my mind, I got myself into a big debt for us and our family (and only because you promised you could afford it and everything would be OK). All I wanted was time for you, her and I to be together and work out our routine and bond and I missed out on that from the first day she was home.

My Mum and Dad helped out a lot. More than any grandparent should have to. Because they could see I needed it and understood. They reassured me that nothing I was doing was "wrong". Dad helped me to feed her, burp her and get her back to sleep at night... All things which you should have helped out with. You helped when you wanted, when it suited you and not when I actually needed you to.

We fell apart. I let you go, thinking you would fight for me, for US, like you always said you would. I felt like I was the only one fighting. Now looking back at that time, I shouldn't have bothered. Something sticks out that you said - "I can't commit". That should have been my warning sign, but I desperately wanted us to work out. I told you that you were my last chance, that I only wanted you and no one else ever again. I had to sell our house (which was really my house) all my 13 years of working stupid hours and sacrificing having a life so I could save enough money to own something more than a small unit, down the drain. I trusted you enough in just a few short weeks to put all that money into something for US. Crazy, I know.

We went to counselling to help us. You wanted to be back with your girls again and promised to do anything to have that again. Mum put her finances on the line to start building a house for us and you agreed to it. We found a nice rental and moved back in together. It was great for about a week or 2. I tried to compromise and put things that mattered to me aside. Did they really mean that much really? Well, yes to me they were still important but it was also important to me that we were together. I should have noticed things but I didn't. Things that I look back on now and it seems so obvious.

I spent all day at home with our daughter. I would occasionally go for a walk to see my Dad or he would come over with lunch. I had no social life apart from that. My priority was our daughter, not the washing or cleaning, which you said you were happy to do anyway. I had no say in what we had for dinner, what we watched on TV or what we did on the weekend. If you asked me and I made a suggestion it was just ignored and we had what you wanted or did what you wanted. But still I stayed.
I tried to talk to you about our daughter's first birthday but soon gave up as I either didn't get a response or all my ideas were shut down because it wasn't what you wanted. I couldn't get excited about something I should have been excited about. I watched as other Mums in my support group designed invitations and planned parties well in advance and here I was with 2 weeks to go and nothing organised except for the cake, which I tried to tell you about but you were too stoned to even care.

Then, one night you want to talk. Well not exactly talk to me, just accuse me of things and tell me your feelings about everything I'm doing wrong. How I don't care. And I was so ready to leave that night, Mum came around to get me and you told her "she's leaving" without any emotion. But again, I stayed and you thanked me and we talked and I thought everything was sorted for the time being. The next day I walked in the heat to drop you off your shorts. We went and got our hair done - you surprised me by getting yours cut and you reminded me of the guy I first fell in love with and I fell in love with you all over again.

The next day, we were over. You threatened to pack up my stuff because I had been out shopping with my Mum and didn't answer your call. And when you called in the afternoon I didn't answer again because I was asleep. So I went back and packed up our stuff, because conveniently your son had just been dropped off and I wasn't going to hang around the whole weekend waiting for an explanation after I had just been threatened. I've now been waiting nearly 3 months and I still don't have an explanation. All I can see is that you never really loved me or cared about me as you moved onto someone else within a few weeks. I spent the first week rearranging our daughter's birthday and setting her up so she was comfortable again in her surroundings, while you had drinks with mates, got your tattoo covered and whatever other single man things you did now that you had all that free time. I even made it easier for you by agreeing that you could buy some of my furniture, even though you've still kept heaps of things that weren't included in that deal.

Even after 3 months, through the anger and the tears, the nasty texts, the comments from your family and friends - I still love you. I'm not like you, who can just move on with my life with someone else so quickly like nothing ever happened. I have a constant reminder of you, looking at me every day, needing me for everything. I have to be strong for her. She is my number one priority and always has been, not just when I feel like it. It's not just something I say so I can look like I'm a responsible, caring parent. I will do, and have always done, everything for her.

Now we await mediation to determine how her time is spent going back and forth between us. Not the life I dreamed of for our darling daughter and I thought this time you'd want to do it right but I guess it's the norm for you and how you want to "raise" your children without their mothers around.

So, this is how I became a single Mum of a 1 year old.... With another due in June.

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