All The Dirty Laundry

What I forgot to say in this post, it also sucks when something is so broken that it cannot be fixed. I can't forgive him and I can't forget him. I can't even make him understand. He can get nasty and he can threaten and call me selfish, like he cannot be blamed in any way for what has happened. He will tell people his lies and make his posts on how cruel I am for not allowing brother and sister, father and daughter to spend time alone together, to gain sympathy from outsiders who aren't even a part of it. I'm not telling my story for sympathy or to get people on my side, but I hope it might help others in a similar situation to know that they're not alone.

If he turned around tomorrow and said he was sorry and he still loved me, there's no going back even if I wanted to. Maybe if it was only a week afterwards there might have been a chance, with a lot of counselling. But I've been through the upset stage where I've cried and cried over what's been lost and now I'm stuck in the angry stage. I've had time to think back over everything that he said and everything that he did, everything I was willing to give up and everything that is happening now and I'm angry that he could do this to us. I could probably handle it if it was just me, but it's not just me anymore, there's a little girl that doesn't deserve this and another life on the way that he didn't stick around to find out about.

Emotional abuse is real. It's also harder for others to be aware that it is happening. There are no bruised faces or battered bodies or cuts to show evidence. No one can see inside your brain or your heart where the damage is being done. Even you yourself may not want to even acknowledge it. I read the articles, I called the RESPECT support line and all the evidence was there and it was confirmed but a part of me didn't want to accept it. How could the man I thought I knew be someone who I didn't really know at all? What had I done wrong to make him "change"? Even now I still question myself - if only I had done this, said that, etc then maybe we'd still be together. I shouldn't have gone shopping that day with my Mum. I should have answered when he rang. I should have just agreed with whatever he suggested for L's birthday party even if it wasn't what I wanted. But it wouldn't have mattered, there would always be another thing for him to get me down about, another way I was hurting his feelings or something I wasn't doing right.

I can't blame myself though. It's not my fault.

The following is some information from a website, which is an excerpt from a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft:

An idyllic opening is part of almost every abusive relationship. There are many ways in which the glowing beginning of a relationship with an abusive man can serve to entrap the woman. She has a hard time letting go of her own dream; she thought she had found a wonderful man. She can't help wondering if she did something wrong or has some great personal deficit that ended the idyllic beginning, so she tries to find the key problem inside herself.

Does an abusive man deliberately plan to become abusive when beginning a relationship?

The differences between a woman falling in love and an abusive man falling in love are as follows:
She is looking for an equal partner to love and be loved by. 
He is dreaming of having a woman who meets all his needs, is beautiful at all times of the day and night, has no needs of her own. He desires a woman who will cater to him and never complain about anything he does or darken his day with frustrations or unhappiness about her own life. Although abuse of a woman is not his goal, control certainly is. He then finds himself abusing again to gain the control he feels he has the right to.

I learned to just say I was OK and had a good day and that L was good too, because anything else was just ignored or got a smart comment. If I said I was tired, apparently I was ALWAYS tired but that was part of being a Mum. So when I mentioned it should also be part of being a Dad, I got a lecture when he got home for making him feel like shit while he was at work. How was it acceptable for me to feel like shit all the time because of things he said to me, but I wasn't allowed to make a comment in case it offended him? If I mentioned L had done something new it was met with the reply "babies do that". I know this was his second child, but even if it was his tenth, he could have at least shown some interest in her new abilities. Instead he compared her to his son at that age or his baby niece who already had 5 teeth while L still had none. Insinuating she was behind, or slow because she wasn't crawling. He seemed to ignore the fact that L was chewing through steak or chicken, usually feeding herself, while his niece was eating purees. It bugged me when he'd tell me that his niece was doing this or that now, how he'd show enthusiasm for her but not his own daughter. I always felt like commenting "yeah, babies do that" but I held my tongue.

He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.

Very early on he told me about his ex and how she treated him and their son. She sounded like a horrible person (and from what I now know personally, I still think she is). He painted himself as the victim of abuse and I naturally felt sorry for him. I said that I'd hate it if he ever spoke about me the way he speaks about her and he told me I was nothing like her, that I could never be like her because I have a caring soul. He told me this right up until he kicked me out.

He does favours you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.

For Christmas, he gave me an expensive necklace. His reasoning being he felt bad because my birthday present had been a breast pump (which is what I needed and actually asked for). The necklace was gorgeous, but he couldn't afford the mortgage repayments and this would have been enough to cover a month. It made my Mum feel sick. I explained to him that whilst it was beautiful and thoughtful, the money could have been put to better use and all he could say was "fine I'll sell it then".

He is self-centred.

I think this has already been explained.

Nothing is ever his fault.

And it still isn't. Everything I say goes right over his head and he turns it around to make me out to be the bad person. I had a message from him the other day asking to take L to a first birthday party. It would be nice for her to see her family and little cousins he said. I was insulted for L.
It would have also been nice if her Dad had shown interest in HER birthday party. It would have been nice if her family had bothered to RSVP to the party invitation. He replied that I didn't give him the opportunity to see her on her birthday. Being in a relationship with him wasn't opportunity enough?

He gets too serious too quickly about the relationship.

I did too. I should have thought it was quite strange for a man, but it was like a fairytale and I'd always wanted love at first sight and a man who really, really wanted me.

He abuses drugs or alcohol.

The drinking wasn't too bad, he never got drunk around me anyway. He'd go through stages of having a few drinks after work, to not having any. It was the smoking marijuana that bothered me. He was trying to quit when we got together as he wanted to start the relationship right. I didn't care if he had the odd one here or there. He had trouble sleeping without it. Then it got to the point where he'd be doing it at work as well. Then he stopped doing it at work but would constantly be having pipes when he got home. It got to the point where I couldn't even talk to him at all. A couple of weeks before kicking me out, he told me he'd not been having any at all. He thought it was the reason why L wouldn't drink her bottles for him. I believe he quit because he needed it out of his system knowing he was kicking me out and I'd make him have a drug test before spending time alone with L. A user like him just doesn't give it up altogether and I'm certain he's still smoking it.

He pressures you for sex.

With the way he was treating me, I didn't feel like having sex with him. Plus the fact that I was tired from being up in the early hours with L. Once she went to sleep I wanted to sleep myself so would go to bed regardless of the time. Of course G was not tired enough to go to bed with me at 7:30, so he stayed up. But when he did come to bed later he would wake me up wanting to cuddle. Cuddling is fine, but not when he starts humping my leg making groaning noises and then starts trying to rub my intimate place. Excuse me dude but I was sleeping! Sometimes I would just lay there and pretend to be asleep until he gave up. Other times I would roll away and push his hand away, still pretending to sleep, hoping he'd get the hint. A couple of times I let him have what he wanted but I didn't feel anything other than very, very sad. One of those times a baby was conceived.

We'd had this discussion with the counsellor. Sex does not equal love. For most women, there needs to be a build up to the occasion, or a feeling of connection. If your head isn't in the right place, then it's likely it won't happen. You shouldn't feel the need to just have sex because they want to or it would make them happy. I told him if he just wanted to get his dick wet then he should go and stick it in someone else. In the very end, it looks like that's what he did.

Obviously your sex life is going to change during a relationship. We were at it like rabbits for the first few months. It was hot and passionate and sweet and gentle. We would hardly sleep. He would please me like nobody else ever had and now nobody else ever will. But the honeymoon period wears off and the baby comes along and the romance disappears. It doesn't mean you don't love each other though. You can show someone you love them without having sex. And you can show a woman how much more you love her by not pressuring her for it and understanding why she's not in the mood.

He treats you differently around other people.

In front of his family, he was the doting Dad and boyfriend. He would hug me, kiss me and be all lovey-dovey. He would listen to me and we'd laugh. Only my Mum and Dad knew what was going on because they were around more often. When he was lovey-dovey with me when we were alone, it felt more like an attack, like he had a right to kiss me or touch me, or watch me having a shower. His compliments were used to diffuse an argument after he'd said something nasty - "you're so beautiful when you smile" - or he'd ogle me and tell me how sexy I was. I wanted to be told I was a great Mum, that I was intelligent, a caring and kind person, a sweet girlfriend. I didn't want to be fondled while I was trying to make L a bottle, like he was distracting me from doing something I'm needed to do.

He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

I obviously was extremely vulnerable when we met. He knew I'd just come out of a relationship and lost my job at the same time. He knew I was anxious about being 30 years old and not having a baby.

Then there were the mind games - the promise of marriage - which would get snatched away when he didn't get what he wanted, then dangled in front of me again when he wanted to butter me up for some reason.

If you feel like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and need advice or confirmation, please call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week or visit 1800respect.org.au