one down out of six

On Saturday, G came over for his first Saturday visit out of the six we agreed to at mediation.
My anxiety was through the roof in the morning, as of course L didn't go down for her nap until 11:45 and if she slept for her normal 1 hour that would mean only 15 minutes to get her up and changed, given lunch and be ready for G to arrive at 1 o'clock. I wanted her to have lunch before he got here as I didn't want her to be too distracted and not eat.
So, my Mum and I made the decision to wake her up and she let us know she wasn't happy about that!

Anyway, he ended up staying for 2½ hours, while I hid down the other end of the house as I don't want to see him - it's hard enough for me just hearing his voice. He doesn't know I am pregnant either and if he saw me, well, it's kind of obvious that I didn't just eat a big lunch.

Miss L was happy enough with him here, but that could also be because my Mum was around too. It's so hard to tell if she is actually comfortable with him because she remembers who he is and feels there is a connection, or if it is because she just thinks "this man is down on the floor playing with me so he must be OK". I mean, she was quite happy playing with my Uncle too when they met for the first time, because he got down to her level and made funny noises and played with her toys. It doesn't mean that she would be comfortable if I left her alone with him for a few hours while I went out, or have him stay with her over night, or take her out anywhere by himself.

This is just so hard. Even after the six weeks, I still don't know if I'll be able to let him take her :(