being ripped apart

Went and spoke to my lawyer yesterday to give her an update on everything, so she is prepared in the event that G takes me to court.

I freaked out when the new Parenting Plan arrived as with it was a certificate stating that we both attended mediation and made our best effort but the dispute was not resolved. To my knowledge, the dispute was being resolved, in stages. The lawyer explained it to me but it doesn't really make any sense - she said that it was issued as the mediation had come to an end, that we could still go to mediation in the future but it would be starting from the beginning again.  The mediator did not make me aware of this when I spoke to him and the Parenting Plan states that it is for the "interim" while we both seek legal advice (which isn't written in the previous ones).

He says he wants us to communicate with each other and not do mediation anymore (as he can't afford it - it's only $15!) and then he goes and has a public rant on Facebook about how I'm keeping his kids from him and all he wants to do is be a father to them. And then his girlfriend comments about how I am being selfish and immature and they will love Z unconditionally and really miss his sister and she is in their thoughts everyday. If he wants to be a "father" then maybe he should sign the paperwork he's been sent to say he is Z's father! Again, he says one thing but doesn't do anything to back up what he's said.

It makes me sick, thinking about sending my children to stay with them so they can play happy families, her "mothering" my precious babies like they're her own. Breaks my heart that I will have no way of knowing what goes on while they're there. I was never allowed to mother R, had no say in what he did or anything. I loved him and made sure he was safe, fed and happy but it wasn't my place to bath him or comfort him when he was sick - that was G's job.

Grrrrr, I'm so angry. This is not what I wanted for my babies at all. I'm tired of them calling me immature and selfish and what I'm doing isn't fair to them. What HE is doing isn't fair to them. Can't anyone else see that?

I just want to run away, change our names and get on with our lives.