#MicroblogMonday

I signed up for home broadband yesterday and received confirmation today that my account is active!
Although I am still waiting to receive the new modem in the mail, my Dad reminded me that the old one was around here somewhere, so I pulled him out (yes, it's a him - his name is Bob), added in my login name and password (because I am super savvy and know how to do such things) and voila! No more tethering to my mobile data and being charged ridiculous amounts of money for only 5GB that doesn't seem to last long with my blog reading/Facebook habit.

Here's to streaming all the missed episodes of Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons and Grey's Anatomy..... along with all the rest of the shows that I need to catch up on. I hope L decides now is the time to take long naps.

**Edit - for more info on #MicroblogMondays go here.

ICLW - February

A big hello to anyone who is stopping by from ICLW!

This is my first time participating and I am looking forward to your comments, reading your blogs and making new connections.

This is the story of how I met G, the man who gave me my babies and broke my heart.

This is how I eventually realised I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Another post on my relationship with G.

Something that makes me sad.

Thank you for reading and I hope you come back again :)

Laundry Girl
x

the name game

Having another baby, while being single this time, has brought up the subject of surnames.

I had no hesitation in giving L her Dad's surname as I believed one day we would be married and I would take on his name too. A comment from G later was she had to have his surname anyway - which is certainly not true. You can put down whatever surname you wish, as long as it's agreed upon.

There was a little incident the other day when the nurse rang me with L's swab results - "Hi, is that Mrs Smith*?"
"No, it's Miss Jones*"
"Oh, are you L's Mum?"
"Yes that's me"
Is this what I have to deal with until she is an adult? I know there are plenty of Mums out there who go through the same thing even being with their child's Dad, but I just found it annoying.

Now that G and I aren't together, I don't really want to give Little Mister just his surname, but I want my kids to have the same surname. I've been doing a lot of thinking and the easiest option would be to change my own surname to match L's. Yes, to most people this sounds bizarre or outrageous. Why on earth would I want to have the same surname as my ex? How would he react/feel about that? Well honestly I couldn't give a crap about his feelings on the matter and I wouldn't even tell him. It's would just be my legal name _ just like some teachers and business people use their maiden name for some areas of their life and their married name for others.

Option number 2 is to give Little Mister both of our surnames (but not hyphenated), then change L's surname to the same down the track, on the basis that I want my kids to have the same surname - this seems to be a valid reason in the eyes of the court system.

Option number 3 is to get G to agree to change L's surname to mine. Which I know there's no point in even asking.

I know this is not a big deal to most other people, but it is super important to me. People have said "but you'll get married and have a different surname again anyway" which is not actually on my agenda. I have no desire to get married any more, that part of my dream died when G broke my heart and took my trust with him. I'm not interested in finding another man, or introducing my children to a man who is more than likely to eventually leave. They don't deserve any more disruption in their lives than they'll already be dealing with.

*Not our actual surnames 

bit of a poxy update

So the results came back on Thursday and Miss L definitely has chicken pox. I also had a blood test to check if I was immune (not something you want to get during pregnancy) and I am, so that's a relief.

Day 1 - noticed 3 spots. Nothing unusual about her behaviour. Couldn't get in to the GP that day.

Day 2 - few more spots, mainly behind ears and on face. GP confirmed chicken pox and did a swab to be 100% certain.

Day 3 - swab came back positive. More spots appeared. Very upset especially at bed time. Ended up passing out on Nanna's bed.

Day 4 - right eye very swollen. More spots. Extremely upset and a temperature of 37.7. Gave her some Zyrtec as recommended by the chemist to relieve the itching. Fell asleep as soon as her head hit the mattress and slept for nearly 12 hours.

Day 5 - eye still swollen. Spots looking angry. Very quiet all day but happy. Ate all her Nutella sandwich by herself without throwing it on the floor. NOTICED A TOP TOOTH HAS CUT THROUGH! Zyrtec again before bed, but this time didn't want to go to sleep at all. Resorted to putting her in the pram and she crashed within minutes. It seems that every time we get her sleeping in her cot something happens to mess it all up (last time was constipation and a trip to the hospital).

Day 6 - eye swelling has disappeared. She's in a happy mood but didn't want to nap in her cot so she's in the pram again. Fingers crossed she goes to sleep better tonight without too much of a fight.

Have you checked out my new Facebook Page?

it's all a bit illogical really

I am a logical thinker. I always have been. Everything just seems to make sense when you really look at the facts and consider a situation from all sides. I wish everyone could apply logic to their thinking and not just believe what they hear.

FACT: I was not using him to just have a baby.
If that was the case, I wouldn't have told him I was pregnant. I would have stopped seeing him. I wouldn't have put $140,000 into buying a house for us.

FACT: Yes, I kicked him out the first time.
To be honest, I'd had enough. I didn't want him in the house anymore. I was stressed out, wasn't getting the support I needed with L and had to worry about the mortgage repayments. I had no say in how the money was spent, or how the house was decorated or even who came into my home and when. The house needed to be sold and his answer was "if you sell the house I will rent a place by myself". Very mature, very responsible, very considerate of his family's situation.

FACT: I still loved him and gave him a second chance.
I arranged relationship counselling because I wanted us to work out. He made promises to do this and that. He wanted to be with his girls, he hated us being apart. We rented a house together and I left my Dad and dog behind for him, for our little family, whichever was a major step for me as my Dad and I had relied on each other for so long.

FACT: I did not leave, I was kicked out.
Why would I have left a week before L's first birthday which should be such an exciting time for our family? Why would I want to create more work for myself by getting all my stuff out, unpacking it and getting L settled and rearranging her party all in a week? When someone says to you 3 times over the phone that they are packing up your things, I'm pretty sure that's being kicked out. He didn't mean packing up as in tidying and putting away.

FACT: I  have not stopped him from seeing L.
He has the opportunity of seeing her here at her home where she is comfortable. He has chosen to only come around 3 times in 4 months. He told me he'd ask every day to see her - that's never happened. I've only received child support for 7 weeks out of the 4 months which is no big deal to me as we don't want his money. It's just the principle of him saying he'd do anything for her, but can't do something as simple as transfer money each week or fortnight. We have a private agreement because he knows he earns more than he tells the ATO so the amount that Centrelink says he should pay is incorrect. And of course we made the arrangement at the time we first separated but got back together, so I trusted that he would pay like he said he would and that I knew he did with his ex.

FACT: He has not contacted me in over a month to find out how L is. 
Surely if he cared as much as he says he does he would have. But even when we were together I'd tell him things that she was doing or not doing and he wasn't interested.

FACT: He had a new girlfriend merely weeks after breaking up with me...
who also happens to be best friends with his ex - the woman he supposedly wants nothing to do with. And I just found out that his ex has a new boyfriend - the ex of her other best friend! Altogether there are 8 kids involved who all play with each other (not including L). I don't feel comfortable with that situation at all. Must be very confusing for the kids. I don't see how his family can be OK with the situation either - first he leaves his wife and their son, a couple of years later has another baby with someone else (and creates another one which he doesn't know about) then leaves her to go out with a family friend who has 5 children of her own to multiple men.

FACT: He's moved 40 minutes away, back up to where he said he'd never live again, obviously to be close to his girlfriend and son. Not a wise move if he wants to spend time with his daughter at his house. At the moment, the most time he would get is 2 hours... And 80 minutes of that will be eaten up in travel time. L will also fall asleep on both those drives, which will mess up her nap and sleep routine which will be something I have to deal with, not him. I don't expect him to live around the corner, but he could have at least shown some consideration if he actually cared to see her. The 40 minutes its would now take for him to get here to see her could be the difference of her being awake and happy or tired and grizzly or already asleep.

These are not actions of a family man who was heartbroken that his girlfriend and daughter had left him, nor are they actions of a man who really cares for his daughter. These are actions of a selfish and controlling man who only thinks of himself and does things when they suit him.

Another perfect example - when we were living apart I would let him know when L woke up from her morning nap so he could come around and see us. You would expect at 10-11am he would be ready and waiting. Every single time I was told "I'll just have a coffee then I'll be over" or "I'll just have a shower and something to eat". Or while I was having a hard time getting her to sleep I'd get a text to say "good luck. I've just watched 4 episodes of *insert TV show*"

antenatal (dis)appointment

So, I had an appointment on Tuesday at 22+3 and although I wasn't expecting much from it, I thought it would be something more than what it was.

Firstly, it was a hot day and Miss L had to come with me. She was very tired but at least not cranky - she stayed in the waiting area with my Dad and charmed everyone with her smile.
It never matters when you arrive - I should know by now that there's no point getting there early. You take a ticket number, even though you have an appointment and wait and wait and wait until they've finished talking or checking Facebook and look up to see there's a waiting room full of people, then finally call out a number. One would think that once number 26 had gone through all her details to prove she is who she says she is and isn't pretending to be someone else, that they'd call out for 27, but no. There's a 10 minute wait.

Anyway, my appointment was 45 minutes late. We kept L entertained by feeding her sultanas and letting her read a pamphlet about Pap Smears. Early learning for what's ahead.

The doctor/midwife spent most of the time rifling through my notes looking for things he couldn't seem to find. He looked up some blood test results on the computer - they are all fine. He read the morphology scan report - all fine. Took my blood pressure and listens to baby's heartbeat and tells me to come back in 5-6 weeks. Oh, and that I might have to be induced early because of my previous placenta abruption.

He took no fundal measurements. Ordered no blood test for Protein S levels (which the previous hospital were going to check in my next pregnancy in case it had something to do with the abruption). When I mentioned this, he didn't seem to care. No ultrasound referral to check my placenta. They probably won't need to induce me, as in the next 5-6 weeks before my next appointment I could likely already have a baby for all they know!

I'm thinking about going back to the hospital where L was born, as they seem to be more concerned and more proactive. But it's a 40 minute drive which would not be fun once in labour and parking is terrible.
Guess I'll just wait and see what happens at the next appointment (if I don't already have little Mister by then). We'll be back at the original hospital anyway then, as this one doesn't have the set up for preterm babies.

what's that spot?

L has come up with little spots - started off with 2 behind her ears and one on her temple which looked like little blisters. Now I've noticed more appearing on her back and arms but they're not blistery (yet).

She's had no temps recently and not off her food. Only today she's been grizzly and seems more tired.

Could she have chicken pox?

We'll find out tomorrow at her GP appointment.

It has been hard to find time to blog.

Miss L is quite happy to play by herself most of the time - except when I decide to sit down at my computer. Then she crawls over to me and pulls on my legs, pointing at everything on the table until she gets something she wants. If I tell her there is nothing on the table for her she cries and continues pointing and demands to be given something.

She has spent the last 3 nights sleeping in her big girl cot.
The first night it took 2 hours to get her to sleep - she slept all night.
The second night, it only took 30 minutes to get her to sleep and we put her to bed earlier than usual, thinking it would again take 2 hours - she slept for 12.5 hours!
Last night, however, it took 1 hour to get her to sleep - and then she woke up at 1:15am and wouldn't go back to sleep for another 2 hours *yawn*

So, by the time she is in bed dreaming of whatever it is that little baby girls dream of, Mummy is very tired and just goes to bed. Everything else can wait, sleep is too important. The first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning is when I can go back to sleep. Mmmmm delicious sleep. Soon I will be too big to sleep comfortably and heartburn will keep me awake all night.

I only have time to post this because I somehow got L to take a nap in all of 20 minutes and she has stayed asleep for 1.5 hours.

Fabulous Friday

No, we didn't do anything amazing today, but all Fridays are fabulous because they mean the weekend is nearly here!

What is not fantastic tonight is trying to get L to go to sleep. Ever since she's started to get smarter and learn new things she's decided that even though she is very, very tired she just will not go to sleep anywhere. We've done everything we can think of - we let her stay up later in the hope she'll wear herself out. Doesn't work. We've put her to sleep earlier and then she'll wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep for another 3 hours. She's not hungry, her nappy isn't wet. She's not too hot or too cold. She's not sick or in pain. The longer we try to get her to go to sleep the unhappier she gets and it's heart breaking to see/hear her cry. I usually cry because I want to go to sleep but can't!
We've put her into our beds and tried to snuggle her to sleep but all she wants to do is roll around and sit up and try to launch herself off the bed.

Tonight we're trying to get her back to sleeping in her cot. So far, it's just not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.

Update: it is now 10:45 and L is still awake *yawn*

Do you know what makes me really sad?

I love to read personal blogs of people I do not know. At the moment, I'm reading about IVF struggles, pregnancy loss and the joyful moments of childbirth which then follow with their baby's milestones and views and experiences of being a Mummy, both the good and the bad.

And there's a constant in all of those blogs so far - the presence of a loving and supportive partner/Daddy. They stick around through breakdowns, the tears, the anger and the frustration. They're understanding and supportive, concerned and helpful. They hold it all together the best they can and step up when needed. The love they have for their wife/girlfriend means more than anything else and their children are an extension of that love. They genuinely love spending time with their little family, watching their babies grow and develop their little personalities, going on outings or holidays together. You can see the love and pure enjoyment oozing out of the words and photos.

It breaks my heart.

I thought I'd finally met a man who wanted the same things I did. He started off being so caring and considerate. He took care of me when I was sick. I was thrilled he was the man I was having a baby with. I dreamed of our future together. After L arrived unexpectedly, he helped me change my pads in the hospital and that's when I thought "wow, I have a keeper!"

We'd never spoken about how we wanted to raise our kids. It never even crossed my mind to bring it up, I just assumed we'd be on the same page. I thought he would allow me to do all the Mummyish things and follow my instincts, while working with me in finding our rhythm. I thought he'd be excited to get home and spend time with his girls, before gently urging me to go to bed while he had some Daddy/daughter time.

That's not how it worked out. You don't want others to make you feel like you're always doing the wrong thing, but you sure don't want your partner making you feel that way too. You don't instantly give birth and know exactly what you're doing 100% of the time. It's all a bit of trial and error and it's freaking scary being in charge of a little person! And also very exhausting. You still need to find time to look after yourself too - I'm not talking about getting your hair done or having a massage or going out - just the basics of rest, shower and food.

G made me feel guilty if I sat down to eat my tea before attending to L, even if I hadn't had the chance to eat all day. I hadn't yet mastered holding her while eating one-handed. He made me feel guilty if I went to bed to sleep, even though he was staying up late anyway and could feed and settle her. I didn't see the point in both of us being awake when I was going to get up through the night as well. I was questioned every day if she'd had any tummy time, like it was a huge deal if she hadn't. While it's important for their development, its not an act of neglect or abuse if it's not done for a day or two (especially if she would just scream and get worked up about being on her tummy). Usually she wasn't awake long enough anyway - awake, bottle, cuddle, back to sleep. Before a feed she would be to hungry and cranky and after a feed her belly would be too full.

I know in this day and age that Daddies are not clueless individuals who know nothing about babies and need instructions from the Mummies and I definitely know that having already had a child, G was very capable of taking care of her. What I didn't appreciate was him taking over. It was like nothing I suggested or did or bought was right. I shouldn't have bought the portable bath with attached change table because he didn't need it (regardless of the fact that I'm home taking care of her a majority of the time and will be the one bathing her). The baby carrier shouldn't have been purchased because again, he didn't need it. Doesn't matter if I have a screaming child who needs cuddles for 24 hours and I'd like a little bit of hands free time. In the end I wasn't the best baby wearing mumma and the one wrap and one carrier I bought were not used often, but at least they were there if needed.

He complained of her skin being too dry - "she needs to be moisturised!" he said. She broke out in excema so I bought a special, natural ingredients cream which cleared it right up. But oh no, applying it several times a day left a brown tinge on her face as it was building up so he decided to go back to using the awful lotion that caused the excema in the first place and she ended up with what looked like a burn at the top of her nose. Just before her newborn photo session too. Thank goodness it could be edited with Photoshop.

**Woohoo - I can now post from my laptop!! I worked out one little setting on my phone needed to be changed to allow me to use it as a hotspot to connect to the internet. Oh the little things that make me happy **

I was told she was too old to still be swaddled (which was completely untrue. They do make sleep sacks for toddlers after all). She needed to be wrapped up so she would go to sleep and stay that way. Yes, I took a while to transition her to one arm out, then both arms out, then no wrap at all - but we did it at a time that we were both ready for it. He would argue with me about the order that the blankets went on - not really a big deal except for the fact that I already knew that if they weren't put on in a specific order she would wake in the middle of the night and I would be the one getting up with her and spending the next 2 hours trying to get her back to sleep. No, it may not matter to YOU how they are put on, because after that it's not your problem.

Then there was the issue of the car seat. I was adamant that she be rear facing until at least her first birthday. There were really no issues with getting her in or out, we had a great car seat that was big enough for her to be in until she was 8 years old and as far as I was concerned it was the safest way for her to travel. After we separated the first time, I took the car seat as my Mum was the one who had forked out the money for it. When we got back together, I got him to reinstall it... and he did so forward facing. She was only 10 months old. I don't care if your brother has already turned their seat around or your parents are saying she should be facing the other way - it is safer for her to be rear facing and she's not even reaching any of the markers to indicate she should be forward facing. Does her safety mean nothing to you?
I am happy to say L is now approaching 16 months and is still rear facing and will be until her brother arrives.

These are only just a few issues I had to deal with - there were many more. I made the bottles wrong, sterilised them wrong, was told her bath towel had to be washed after every use, couldn't take her out to visit people when I liked but it was OK to see people when he wanted, fed her solids wrong. If I suggested we take the pram, he wanted the trolley cover - if I said take the trolley cover, he wanted to take the pram.

I know relationships are not easy, they take work and everything is stressful when a baby arrives. It should be a time that strengthens your relationship, not tears it apart. The whole time after L came home, I didn't feel like a Mum - I felt like a baby carrier, that now the baby was home I was no longer needed. After all, I wasn't breastfeeding and anyone could feed her a bottle.

So my message is for the Dads - please be supportive and not pushy and controlling. Yes, you can absolutely have ideas and suggestions on how the baby is raised. It is your baby too. Remember, your wife/girlfriend is going to be a bit (or a lot) emotional after giving birth and probably even more so if there were complications. She doesn't need you to make her feel crap about everything else, as she may also be getting the same response from other family members too. What she needs is reassurance that she's doing a great job - if nothing she is doing is unsafe or harmful to the baby then she is doing a great job. Choose your battles wisely.

I want to write about one of my best baby purchases EVER - the pram. I must admit, I didn't do much research at the time of selecting this pram. I think I saw a picture of it and checked it out in the shop. I was impressed with the way it steered, you can turn it around in circles quite easily with one hand. What I liked most, however, was the look of it - yeah, probably not the most important factor when buying a pram.

Behold, the awesome Emmaljunga Nitro City:

I also bought the bassinet attachment as I thought it would be much more comfortable for a newborn to lay in, and got the whole lot while it was on special for $1800. I figured we'd use it for L for 3 years (the recommended age) and then use it again for the next baby, so the price would average out over 6 years.

While you'd think for the price it should at least make you a coffee, do your dishes and your laundry - unfortunately it doesn't - but this pram has been an absolute lifesaver. We've nicknamed it The Bed On Wheels. L spent nearly the first six months of her life sleeping in the bassinet, being pushed backwards and forwards, side to side. Perfect as she was still being swaddled and wasn't yet rolling. We did manage eventually to get her sleeping in her cradle again (more rocking motion) and then for a week or two in her cot, until a little over a month ago when she decided she didn't want to go to sleep like a big girl anymore and we resorted back to the pram, for our sanity. This thing has done more kilometres on the inside than it has done outside the house! I lay the seat right back and have removed the straps and buckles and put down a sheet to make it more comfy and 8 times out of 10 she will fall asleep quite quickly.... Until recently when she's started to play silly buggers with us and will now roll over and sit up while we're trying to push her to sleep! Once she is asleep, she will still roll onto her belly - which is unusual for her as she's always been a back sleeper - but I'm not worried because I know she can roll back again. She hasn't yet woken up, sat up and climbed out (thankfully!) and as soon as she wakes up I am there to greet her, but I know it won't be too much longer til she either learns how to get out herself or falls out.

Pros:
* It's a stunning looking pram.
* Bassinet is larger than most, meaning baby can use it for longer.
* Very easy to steer.
* Padded and comfortable.
*The seat/bassinet can either face you or away from you.

Cons:
*The price.
*The basket space - while it appears quite big, it's very hard to actually get anything in there.
* It's very bulky to get into the car (I did ask G if it would fit in the boot and he assured me it would - it didn't). The bassinet has to come off to fold it up and depending on the size of your car boot, the seat may have to come off too and be stored on the backseat. Or the wheels may need to come off.
* It takes a bit of practice to learn to fold down - don't try it for the first time when having to take your baby to the ER.

Although I am in love with this pram, it is now time to search for a double, as it can't hold 2 babies unless I buy a less-than-comfy-looking second seat attachment. If I knew I would get pregnant sooner than expected, I would have gone straight for one that could be converted to a double, but you know life doesn't usually go according to plan.

This was not a paid review. Pram was purchased by myself.

Instead of concentrating on writing this blog, my own blog which I hope to keep doing and not giving up on like I've done many other times, I've been reading other blogs and becoming hooked. I have to start right at the very beginning - some of which started in 2007 - and I'm desperately to catch up to the present day. So much so, that instead of going to bed to sleep when Miss L is asleep, I go to bed to continue to read post after post until I fall asleep with my phone in my hand. Yes, I both read and blog on my phone as I have no home broadband (which doesn't make it easy!)

At the moment I'm loving Baby Rabies, Breathe Gently and Adriel Booker. I've linked to the very first posts so you don't have to search through the archives yourselves.
NB: It took me 25 minutes to get those links in there, I kid you not!

I've also come across a nifty blog to get more readers to my blog as well as find new ones to read myself - ICLW or IComLeavWe - meaning International Comment Leaving Week. On the first of every month, you register your blog for others to read and leave comments on and you read and comment on the other blogs that are listed (although technically it can also be any other blogs that you choose). The registration list is open until the 21st of the month. You also need to add a graphic to your blog and each one is month specific. The deal is, between the 21st and 28th of the month, you leave 5 comments every day as well as return a comment (I think that means replying to a comment left on your blog?) for a total of 6 comments a day. Sounds fairly easy and I'm looking forward to it :)

There are always things out there for bloggers to be part of and I hope to find some others that I'm interested in. Some day I hope I can remove part of the anonymity that I've created here so far.

I have 2 posts still in draft stage that I'm working on and I hope they'll be up soon.
Please stay tuned.

Now that L is finally having a nap, I'm heading back over to Baby Rabies ;)